Friday, May 18, 2012

God never gives you anything you cannot handle.

I have never particularly like that saying. I do not believe that it is true. Maybe the faith of some can pull them through the things that life so forcefully thrusts upon them, but others... they do not make it. How do you account for suicide? I know many deal with things that are beyond my comprehension. I have never been one to doubt the lord or anything that he does. Lately I feel like the powers that be are picking on one person in particular way more then they should. I do not understand why some seem to be so tortured. 
I watch as they get one thing after another, it doesn't seem right. Innocent individuals should never face so many hardships. Why would the lord let a giant wall be put up in front of a person. I feel like there is so much to overcome that they have just been set up for a miserable life. It's not fair. The adage of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is another one that I hate. No! Sometimes it doesn't make you stronger, sometimes it makes you bitter, and angry and miserable.
Faith officially dwindling...   

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Today I grieve

Today I grieve the loss of a life the was planned out. I grieve the loss of hopes, I grieve the loss of the way I WANTED my life to be. I grieve for the what might have beens and the what might never bes. I am letting myself feel sad for so many things.

At some point in time I feel like we all have this vision of what life is going to be like. Mine is far from what I thought it would be 9 years ago when I started to dream of what my life might be like with a crazy man named Cally.

My therapist ( Well Lauren's technically, but might as well be mine, I think he does more to make me feel better about everything going on in my life then he really does for her.) reminds me every week that the only way that we can be happy is to let go of the dream we had. Deal with the reality that we have been given. Life is not fair sometimes and it is harder than we want it to be some days. But I cannot dwell on what might have been and what I thought I should have.
So today, I will cry and hopefully tomorrow I will be able to face the life that has been given to me with the strength I need to have for me and for my children. I cannot let the scary unknown get to me. Head up, and keep going...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

My life...

I was told once by a service missionary in my ward a life lesson he had learn:
"Every Sunday I would would wrestle my son. I would scold and reprimand him for not sitting still. I would wonder why he couldn't be like the other kids sitting perfectly still, listening and being the ideal LDS child. Later we found out that our son was mildly autistic and struggled to do anything like the other kids. I cried thinking about how I treated him and how I was awful to him because he embarrassed me and frustrated me. I was so worried about what everyone else expected out of my child, that I didn't treat him the way he needed. I see you with your daughter and smile as I watch you struggle to have patience and show her love. You come every week and endure the frustration. I admire your effort and I wish I would have been better with my son." Every week I catch him smiling at me and giving me the strength I need to keep going.

It would be easy to stop coming. It really would. I endure comments of "every child can be taught to sit still." "Your child is out in the hall AGAIN." "Man does your kid ever stay in class?" I tolerate these comments as gracefully as I can and muster the strength to keep coming and enduring. It's not just at church unfortunately. Comments of "why can't you just teach her?" stab to my core and make me want to tell you to F#*% off and never talk to you again. I will always pick her ALWAYS

Do you think this is easy? I want to ask. Do you know what it is like to have a child who is a little different? Do you know how I must feel having to deal with this day in and day out? Do you know that comments like that make me feel like you are kicking me while I am already down? Do I need to tattoo a label on my child's forehead so that you will understand?

Here's her label, ADHD:

ADHD is a medical disorder, not a condition of the child's will. A child with ADHD does not choose to misbehave, not pay attention, or leave work undone. ADHD is a disability.

You want to know why she does what she does, and acts the ways she acts, there you go. It's none of your damn business, but there you go anyway. I hate that you have made me feel bad about my child. I hate that you make me doubt my parenting. I hate the way you look at me and more the way you look at her. It's easy to judge when you don't understand. She is amazing and smart and gorgeous and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I lose sleep over her, being angry at her and frustrated at her. I lose my temper with her, I cry and cry and cry. Please say one more thing to me. Please. You have no idea what that does to me.

I love her and I will love her no matter what and nothing that you say to me, will ever change that.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Things I have learned recently

Aubrey does not like rice cereal, but she does like blueberries, cornbread and Popsicles.

Maturity is a relative term.

I can do a lot more by myself then I ever thought I could.

Love makes no sense at all.

Crazy is everywhere.

That some of my priorities are misguided.

My children are growing up too fast.

The crap that two people can amass in eight years is amazing.

Sometimes I still make very poor choices.

I am not very good at a lot of things.

I probably need to be medicated.

I don't like excuses, from anyone especially from me.

Laundry is a nonstop necessary evil.

There is no such thing as black and white.

Confidence is an illusive term.

At one point wanted to be the fun mom who had all the neighborhood kids over, until I became that and now I realize it is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be and just want everyone to go home.

The bigger expectation, the bigger the let down.

My kids personalities are SO funny.

I think I may be bi-polar because seriously I have so many manic moments lately.

My fuse has not just shortened I think it pretty much disappeared.

My heart is not big enough for everyone I think I need to be there for.

Is stubborn, and I feel major guilt because of it.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Reason I love

Uh that last post was DEPRESSING... lets move on. While spending time with my family yesterday I was thinking about how truly blessed I am. Cheesy cheesy blah blah blah. But really I am. I am horrible about keeping track of things (obviously) so I try to jot down funny things my children say or do here and there, don't worry I have some on my ipod, some in books, some on scraps of paper and I know I really need to put them all in one place and MAYBE someday I will... Today I am just happy to have them and glad that they give me something to love.

Reasons I love Aubrey... Her smile; from the moment I peek into her crib to she her smiling and waiting for me, to all of the moments through out the day that she smiles at me and reminds me that for this moment I am her whole world. Seriously the best feeling EVER. Her laugh; she snorts, it is the best. Her current attempts at crawling; only backwards for now and getting stuck in corners, up against walls and under tables, so funny. She gets up on all fours and rocks and then face plants, she is a comic genius and doesn't even know it. Her hugs; did you know little babies hug? Mine does and I love it. The way she has weaseled herself into every moment of my life and doesn't plan on stopping. ( I promise she loves me she is not going anywhere). Her big GORGEOUS blue eyes. They stare at me the same way that Cally's do. Big blue and heart melting. Ah, she is the best.

Reason I love Lauren... she is adventurous; it drives me up the wall when I find her climbing the swingset or the polls of the trampoline, running around with the neighbor boys, hanging upside down from anything she can, but secretly ( the non worrisome mom side of me LOVES that she tries everything and is not afraid.) She loves a thrill, roller coasters, and doing back flips out of the swing she is just all smiles. Her smile; she seriously has perfect teeth. Her mouth curls up in the best smile I have ever seen on a child. She makes the funniest faces all trying to make me laugh. Her fake Spanish/ Chinese/ French... oh she is funny. You seriously have no idea the funnies inside this girl. Her loving nature. She loves everyone and wants to be loved back. She always wants to be hugged, held and cuddled. She has the most perfect curls. She is a mini Cally. She pushes to the VERY edge, I hate it sometimes, but know that someday it will be beneficial if I can just harness all that crazy energy.

Reasons I love Regan... she is the smartest little girl I know. Her brain works about a mile a minute and she absorbs EVERYTHING she hears. She can remember things like no one I have ever met and has confidence in her knowledge about the world around her. She is spunky and funny, always acting silly and dancing around. So carefree and full of life. She is a leader and always makes plans. She gets others to do what she planned ( thank goodness its all good stuff for now). Those blue eyes, oh I am a sucker. I love them I love them I love them. She is girly and silly and wants to dress up and be beautiful. ( how did this child come from me?)She is caring and compassionate and friends with everyone she meets. She is confident and fantastic. She has always been so mature for her age, sometimes she shows me that she is a little girl, but mostly she is just an old soul. She has a great imagination and loves to play. She is flirty and funny and seriously full of life.

Reasons I love Cally... he was meant for me. He knows how to deal with everything I throw at him. People ask me all the time how I have patience for his craziness, but honestly they don't know that he is the one putting up with the craziness. He is caring and kind. He would do anything for his family. He has a horrible sense of humor that honestly I think I am the only one who really gets it. He would do anything to make me smile. He pushes everything to the edge just to get a reaction from someone. He is the most loyal person you will ever meet. You want a good friend? Cally is a good friend. He has never made me feel bad about myself and is constantly lifting me up. He tries so hard just to impress me. He is hardworking and would do anything it took to take care of his girls. He is physically perfect, he can do nothing and still have an amazing body, not train for a year and run ten miles. He cannot play a sport that involves a ball and all of my years of trying he has still failed to improve. I secretly ( ok no so secretly, love that I can beat him at SOMETHING) He is passionate and crazy. He loves me more than I could every hope for and lets me love him. And how could I forget that smile. I fell in love with that smile and cannot live a day without it...

These are the reasons I love.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Toxic relationships

I have been dealing with these my entire life. I have an odd personality. I crave stability, but shun conformity and tend to fight the feelings that I know are right and good for ones that make me feel comfortable. I do not like being vulnerable and tend to shy away from affection, attention, praise, closeness etc. I usually don't let what others say about me affect me. I beat myself up enough as it is and don 't need to hear what faults others find in me. Lately I have been feeling worse than I think I have ever felt. I am taking things personally that I used to let roll off my back. I am letting cutting words really hurt my self -worth. I am letting peoples disregard for me question my importance. I can see it, which is an unfortunate part of being an intelligent and perceptive person ( sorry I have to say nice things about myself right now, or I might lose it).

How am I supposed to behave? I am feeling so unimportant to people I should be important to. I feel hurt by ugliness and flippancy (word?) I know I am imperfect, I know I say things that I shouldn't and don't do a lot of things that I should. I know I am married to a man who says things he shouldn't. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with. I take myself out of relationships. I close myself down. Somehow I think it will be easier this way, but then I feel bad about it later. I am not talking about only one relationship here unfortunately. One I am conflicted by commandments to continue and I don't know if I can muster the will power to subject myself to the abuse much longer. The others are ones I feel I have put effort and love into, just to be spat on.

So my question is, how do I deal? Do I just cut ties and move on? Do I try to mend ( which just REALLY isn't my thing, DANG YOU PRIDE) or just accept the relationship as it is and realize that, it just is what it is?

So then I think maybe it is just me. I am busy. Really busy, maybe my relationships are falling apart because I let them. My kids and my husband are more important to me than ANYONE else and I say no to things because I would rather spend my non-school time with them. But then I think REALLY hard and say to myself ,no, I still make the effort, oh it's just me? I am the one that calls, I am the one that tries. I am SO crazy, they just don't want to be friends with me. They don't want to spend time with me. I am the one that is doing everything wrong. It's just me. It's just me.

I have been struggling to find anything about myself that I like these days. I feel stupid, useless, ugly, fat, boring, socially awkward, slow, emotional, defensive, unmotivated, unwanted. The sad part is these are feelings that I let others project onto me. When I am alone and with my husband I feel content and wish the rest of the world would just melt away. These feelings have made me pull away farther then I ever have. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I just feel really vulnerable.

I know I need to FIX all this, but part of me just wants to continue to live in my little bubble where the 5 of us couldn't be happier. Just keep the rest of the world out and block all the ugliness. For whatever reason I don't have the strength to deal with all the garbage.

I am sorry I am rambling on, this is cheaper than therapy. I have a million things I want to say, but will keep in for the sake of ugliness. Bottling it up too much makes me spit ugliness in other areas. I would rather just vent a little here to keep the ugly at bay.

Seriously the only thing that keeps me sane these days is singing this kids song that I like to sing with my girls:

"I'm not perfect no I'm not

I'm not perfect but I've got what I've got

I do my very best I do my very best

I do my very best each day

But I'm not perfect

And I hope you like me that way"

I think I need a hug, oh wait, I don't liked to be touched.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Two weeks, more like two months.... sorry.

I was reminded today that I had a blog! HA... how embarrassing, It's been a year since I REALLY posted. Don't worry nothing happened; just Regan starting and finishing kindergarten, Lauren finishing preschool, Cally going back to school, Me getting half way done with my masters program, family living with us, weddings, vacations, dance recitals, broken bones, sicknesses, oh and WE HAD A BABY!!

Most of you know that we did in fact not name her Harper as the sidebar might dispute... don't worry I will change it. Aubrey Elizabeth Cason was born on Dec 18th via c-secttion ((grumble)) be glad I was not posting back then. I was kinda a bitter Betty about it all. But all is well and although I am still a grump about it, she is a doll.

I couldn't ask for a better baby. She sleeps 10-12 hours a night, NEVER cries, smiles all day long, and puts up with her sisters craziness. She is bound to be the most mellow, she just watches them and laughs at all the silly things they do. Lauren and her have a bond like you wouldn't believe. I just have to constantly protect Aubrey from Lauren's "love".

Having three isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. She is really the easiest baby. She goes to school with me, never makes a peep, sleeps when I want her to, and cuddles up, and makes me life whole. After I lost that baby a year and a half ago, I wanted to be done. I thought that two was enough for me and that I cannot do it again. I felt so guilty being pregnant again and just "forgetting" the other one. If I didn't have the faith that I have I don't think I could have had another. Knowing that I will be able to have that child again gives me peace. I have always hated the mentality of when you lose a child, that it is no big deal you can just try again for another next month. I don't feel that way and I had a hard time feeling justified just getting back at it again. I gave myself one chance to get pregnant with her and if it didn't take, then I would be done. Well the lord knows what he is doing. Aubrey is the best decision I have made in a really long time. She has blessed our family in so many ways. She has brought us all closer as a family and reminded us how much we love each other. She has made our family complete and we couldn't love her more.

Well, that's all your getting at the moment, but that should make a couple of you happy, that haven't seen Aubrey. She's the best. I am lucky to have 3 GORGEOUS and CRAZY girls.

Life is good.