This post was supposed to be different.

Although the out come is different the start is the same…

For about two years now I have been having what started out as a gentle nudge to have another child. The longer I denied the feeling the stronger it got. Until it got to a point where it was pounding so hard that I could not deny this little person to come and join our family any longer. I set an appointment to get my IUD out, but this overwhelmed and scared feeling came over me. I got the feeling that this child was special and that he needed this more than I could understand. I told Cally that this baby was either going to be special needs or that it was not going to stay with us for very long. We chickened out and canceled our appointment. The pounding became stronger and I couldn’t stop crying about not having this child so we finally went in to get rid of the IUD. We were excited. We were not supposed to try the first month because my Dr. said it probably wouldn’t take. We did anyway and well.. we didn’t get pregnant. I was sad but oh well. We went for round two and were happily surprised to find that this time it worked. We wanted to scream it off the roof tops and let the whole world know. But we held on, we told our families in the cutest way a couple weeks later and we were so excited and scared to be having our third child. All of my sisters and sister in law are having babies and there was something so fun about all of us having babies together.

My doctor was out of town so I had to wait a little longer than any of us would have liked to get in to see her. I think now that it was a blessing in disguise. When we went in and were joking and having fun talking about how crazy it would be if there were two and laughing about it all. While she was doing the ultrasound she kept asking me questions and I knew something was wrong. I joked trying to hold back tears, asking if she saw two and she said no definitely not two, and then I asked is there at least one, she told that yes there was one. She asked me again how far along I thought I was and then silence. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. She told me that the baby had stopped developing about two weeks ago. It got big enough to have a heart beat and then just stopped. She wants to be wrong and that we just miscalculated but doesn’t want to give me false hope. I go back in, in a couple of days to have it all removed and just check to make sure that that is what happened.

There is something about planning for a child that is so exciting; picking out names, thinking about what their life will be like. Getting all worked up about it is really the best part. Until something like this happens. I know I am not the only person in the world that has gone through this I am not going to be that insensitive, but there is something about losing a prospective child that stings more than any other pain I have ever felt. I know that the body is an amazing thing. I know that it took care of this child the way it needed to. I know that heavenly father has bigger plans for that little spirit and that I can't even comprehend. But it still doesn’t stop the pain.

I know this seems crazy to share something so personal, but it really makes me feel better to getting it all out.