God never gives you anything you cannot handle.

I have never particularly like that saying. I do not believe that it is true. Maybe the faith of some can pull them through the things that life so forcefully thrusts upon them, but others... they do not make it. How do you account for suicide? I know many deal with things that are beyond my comprehension. I have never been one to doubt the lord or anything that he does. Lately I feel like the powers that be are picking on one person in particular way more then they should. I do not understand why some seem to be so tortured. 
I watch as they get one thing after another, it doesn't seem right. Innocent individuals should never face so many hardships. Why would the lord let a giant wall be put up in front of a person. I feel like there is so much to overcome that they have just been set up for a miserable life. It's not fair. The adage of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is another one that I hate. No! Sometimes it doesn't make you stronger, sometimes it makes you bitter, and angry and miserable.
Faith officially dwindling...   

Today I grieve

Today I grieve the loss of a life the was planned out. I grieve the loss of hopes, I grieve the loss of the way I WANTED my life to be. I grieve for the what might have beens and the what might never bes. I am letting myself feel sad for so many things.

At some point in time I feel like we all have this vision of what life is going to be like. Mine is far from what I thought it would be 9 years ago when I started to dream of what my life might be like with a crazy man named Cally.

My therapist ( Well Lauren's technically, but might as well be mine, I think he does more to make me feel better about everything going on in my life then he really does for her.) reminds me every week that the only way that we can be happy is to let go of the dream we had. Deal with the reality that we have been given. Life is not fair sometimes and it is harder than we want it to be some days. But I cannot dwell on what might have been and what I thought I should have.
So today, I will cry and hopefully tomorrow I will be able to face the life that has been given to me with the strength I need to have for me and for my children. I cannot let the scary unknown get to me. Head up, and keep going...

My life...

I was told once by a service missionary in my ward a life lesson he had learn:
"Every Sunday I would would wrestle my son. I would scold and reprimand him for not sitting still. I would wonder why he couldn't be like the other kids sitting perfectly still, listening and being the ideal LDS child. Later we found out that our son was mildly autistic and struggled to do anything like the other kids. I cried thinking about how I treated him and how I was awful to him because he embarrassed me and frustrated me. I was so worried about what everyone else expected out of my child, that I didn't treat him the way he needed. I see you with your daughter and smile as I watch you struggle to have patience and show her love. You come every week and endure the frustration. I admire your effort and I wish I would have been better with my son." Every week I catch him smiling at me and giving me the strength I need to keep going.

It would be easy to stop coming. It really would. I endure comments of "every child can be taught to sit still." "Your child is out in the hall AGAIN." "Man does your kid ever stay in class?" I tolerate these comments as gracefully as I can and muster the strength to keep coming and enduring. It's not just at church unfortunately. Comments of "why can't you just teach her?" stab to my core and make me want to tell you to F#*% off and never talk to you again. I will always pick her ALWAYS

Do you think this is easy? I want to ask. Do you know what it is like to have a child who is a little different? Do you know how I must feel having to deal with this day in and day out? Do you know that comments like that make me feel like you are kicking me while I am already down? Do I need to tattoo a label on my child's forehead so that you will understand?

Here's her label, ADHD:

ADHD is a medical disorder, not a condition of the child's will. A child with ADHD does not choose to misbehave, not pay attention, or leave work undone. ADHD is a disability.

You want to know why she does what she does, and acts the ways she acts, there you go. It's none of your damn business, but there you go anyway. I hate that you have made me feel bad about my child. I hate that you make me doubt my parenting. I hate the way you look at me and more the way you look at her. It's easy to judge when you don't understand. She is amazing and smart and gorgeous and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I lose sleep over her, being angry at her and frustrated at her. I lose my temper with her, I cry and cry and cry. Please say one more thing to me. Please. You have no idea what that does to me.

I love her and I will love her no matter what and nothing that you say to me, will ever change that.

Things I have learned recently

Aubrey does not like rice cereal, but she does like blueberries, cornbread and Popsicles.

Maturity is a relative term.

I can do a lot more by myself then I ever thought I could.

Love makes no sense at all.

Crazy is everywhere.

That some of my priorities are misguided.

My children are growing up too fast.

The crap that two people can amass in eight years is amazing.

Sometimes I still make very poor choices.

I am not very good at a lot of things.

I probably need to be medicated.

I don't like excuses, from anyone especially from me.

Laundry is a nonstop necessary evil.

There is no such thing as black and white.

Confidence is an illusive term.

At one point wanted to be the fun mom who had all the neighborhood kids over, until I became that and now I realize it is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be and just want everyone to go home.

The bigger expectation, the bigger the let down.

My kids personalities are SO funny.

I think I may be bi-polar because seriously I have so many manic moments lately.

My fuse has not just shortened I think it pretty much disappeared.

My heart is not big enough for everyone I think I need to be there for.

Is stubborn, and I feel major guilt because of it.

Reason I love

Uh that last post was DEPRESSING... lets move on. While spending time with my family yesterday I was thinking about how truly blessed I am. Cheesy cheesy blah blah blah. But really I am. I am horrible about keeping track of things (obviously) so I try to jot down funny things my children say or do here and there, don't worry I have some on my ipod, some in books, some on scraps of paper and I know I really need to put them all in one place and MAYBE someday I will... Today I am just happy to have them and glad that they give me something to love.

Reasons I love Aubrey... Her smile; from the moment I peek into her crib to she her smiling and waiting for me, to all of the moments through out the day that she smiles at me and reminds me that for this moment I am her whole world. Seriously the best feeling EVER. Her laugh; she snorts, it is the best. Her current attempts at crawling; only backwards for now and getting stuck in corners, up against walls and under tables, so funny. She gets up on all fours and rocks and then face plants, she is a comic genius and doesn't even know it. Her hugs; did you know little babies hug? Mine does and I love it. The way she has weaseled herself into every moment of my life and doesn't plan on stopping. ( I promise she loves me she is not going anywhere). Her big GORGEOUS blue eyes. They stare at me the same way that Cally's do. Big blue and heart melting. Ah, she is the best.

Reason I love Lauren... she is adventurous; it drives me up the wall when I find her climbing the swingset or the polls of the trampoline, running around with the neighbor boys, hanging upside down from anything she can, but secretly ( the non worrisome mom side of me LOVES that she tries everything and is not afraid.) She loves a thrill, roller coasters, and doing back flips out of the swing she is just all smiles. Her smile; she seriously has perfect teeth. Her mouth curls up in the best smile I have ever seen on a child. She makes the funniest faces all trying to make me laugh. Her fake Spanish/ Chinese/ French... oh she is funny. You seriously have no idea the funnies inside this girl. Her loving nature. She loves everyone and wants to be loved back. She always wants to be hugged, held and cuddled. She has the most perfect curls. She is a mini Cally. She pushes to the VERY edge, I hate it sometimes, but know that someday it will be beneficial if I can just harness all that crazy energy.

Reasons I love Regan... she is the smartest little girl I know. Her brain works about a mile a minute and she absorbs EVERYTHING she hears. She can remember things like no one I have ever met and has confidence in her knowledge about the world around her. She is spunky and funny, always acting silly and dancing around. So carefree and full of life. She is a leader and always makes plans. She gets others to do what she planned ( thank goodness its all good stuff for now). Those blue eyes, oh I am a sucker. I love them I love them I love them. She is girly and silly and wants to dress up and be beautiful. ( how did this child come from me?)She is caring and compassionate and friends with everyone she meets. She is confident and fantastic. She has always been so mature for her age, sometimes she shows me that she is a little girl, but mostly she is just an old soul. She has a great imagination and loves to play. She is flirty and funny and seriously full of life.

Reasons I love Cally... he was meant for me. He knows how to deal with everything I throw at him. People ask me all the time how I have patience for his craziness, but honestly they don't know that he is the one putting up with the craziness. He is caring and kind. He would do anything for his family. He has a horrible sense of humor that honestly I think I am the only one who really gets it. He would do anything to make me smile. He pushes everything to the edge just to get a reaction from someone. He is the most loyal person you will ever meet. You want a good friend? Cally is a good friend. He has never made me feel bad about myself and is constantly lifting me up. He tries so hard just to impress me. He is hardworking and would do anything it took to take care of his girls. He is physically perfect, he can do nothing and still have an amazing body, not train for a year and run ten miles. He cannot play a sport that involves a ball and all of my years of trying he has still failed to improve. I secretly ( ok no so secretly, love that I can beat him at SOMETHING) He is passionate and crazy. He loves me more than I could every hope for and lets me love him. And how could I forget that smile. I fell in love with that smile and cannot live a day without it...

These are the reasons I love.

Toxic relationships

I have been dealing with these my entire life. I have an odd personality. I crave stability, but shun conformity and tend to fight the feelings that I know are right and good for ones that make me feel comfortable. I do not like being vulnerable and tend to shy away from affection, attention, praise, closeness etc. I usually don't let what others say about me affect me. I beat myself up enough as it is and don 't need to hear what faults others find in me. Lately I have been feeling worse than I think I have ever felt. I am taking things personally that I used to let roll off my back. I am letting cutting words really hurt my self -worth. I am letting peoples disregard for me question my importance. I can see it, which is an unfortunate part of being an intelligent and perceptive person ( sorry I have to say nice things about myself right now, or I might lose it).

How am I supposed to behave? I am feeling so unimportant to people I should be important to. I feel hurt by ugliness and flippancy (word?) I know I am imperfect, I know I say things that I shouldn't and don't do a lot of things that I should. I know I am married to a man who says things he shouldn't. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with. I take myself out of relationships. I close myself down. Somehow I think it will be easier this way, but then I feel bad about it later. I am not talking about only one relationship here unfortunately. One I am conflicted by commandments to continue and I don't know if I can muster the will power to subject myself to the abuse much longer. The others are ones I feel I have put effort and love into, just to be spat on.

So my question is, how do I deal? Do I just cut ties and move on? Do I try to mend ( which just REALLY isn't my thing, DANG YOU PRIDE) or just accept the relationship as it is and realize that, it just is what it is?

So then I think maybe it is just me. I am busy. Really busy, maybe my relationships are falling apart because I let them. My kids and my husband are more important to me than ANYONE else and I say no to things because I would rather spend my non-school time with them. But then I think REALLY hard and say to myself ,no, I still make the effort, oh it's just me? I am the one that calls, I am the one that tries. I am SO crazy, they just don't want to be friends with me. They don't want to spend time with me. I am the one that is doing everything wrong. It's just me. It's just me.

I have been struggling to find anything about myself that I like these days. I feel stupid, useless, ugly, fat, boring, socially awkward, slow, emotional, defensive, unmotivated, unwanted. The sad part is these are feelings that I let others project onto me. When I am alone and with my husband I feel content and wish the rest of the world would just melt away. These feelings have made me pull away farther then I ever have. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I just feel really vulnerable.

I know I need to FIX all this, but part of me just wants to continue to live in my little bubble where the 5 of us couldn't be happier. Just keep the rest of the world out and block all the ugliness. For whatever reason I don't have the strength to deal with all the garbage.

I am sorry I am rambling on, this is cheaper than therapy. I have a million things I want to say, but will keep in for the sake of ugliness. Bottling it up too much makes me spit ugliness in other areas. I would rather just vent a little here to keep the ugly at bay.

Seriously the only thing that keeps me sane these days is singing this kids song that I like to sing with my girls:

"I'm not perfect no I'm not

I'm not perfect but I've got what I've got

I do my very best I do my very best

I do my very best each day

But I'm not perfect

And I hope you like me that way"

I think I need a hug, oh wait, I don't liked to be touched.

Two weeks, more like two months.... sorry.

I was reminded today that I had a blog! HA... how embarrassing, It's been a year since I REALLY posted. Don't worry nothing happened; just Regan starting and finishing kindergarten, Lauren finishing preschool, Cally going back to school, Me getting half way done with my masters program, family living with us, weddings, vacations, dance recitals, broken bones, sicknesses, oh and WE HAD A BABY!!

Most of you know that we did in fact not name her Harper as the sidebar might dispute... don't worry I will change it. Aubrey Elizabeth Cason was born on Dec 18th via c-secttion ((grumble)) be glad I was not posting back then. I was kinda a bitter Betty about it all. But all is well and although I am still a grump about it, she is a doll.

I couldn't ask for a better baby. She sleeps 10-12 hours a night, NEVER cries, smiles all day long, and puts up with her sisters craziness. She is bound to be the most mellow, she just watches them and laughs at all the silly things they do. Lauren and her have a bond like you wouldn't believe. I just have to constantly protect Aubrey from Lauren's "love".

Having three isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. She is really the easiest baby. She goes to school with me, never makes a peep, sleeps when I want her to, and cuddles up, and makes me life whole. After I lost that baby a year and a half ago, I wanted to be done. I thought that two was enough for me and that I cannot do it again. I felt so guilty being pregnant again and just "forgetting" the other one. If I didn't have the faith that I have I don't think I could have had another. Knowing that I will be able to have that child again gives me peace. I have always hated the mentality of when you lose a child, that it is no big deal you can just try again for another next month. I don't feel that way and I had a hard time feeling justified just getting back at it again. I gave myself one chance to get pregnant with her and if it didn't take, then I would be done. Well the lord knows what he is doing. Aubrey is the best decision I have made in a really long time. She has blessed our family in so many ways. She has brought us all closer as a family and reminded us how much we love each other. She has made our family complete and we couldn't love her more.

Well, that's all your getting at the moment, but that should make a couple of you happy, that haven't seen Aubrey. She's the best. I am lucky to have 3 GORGEOUS and CRAZY girls.

Life is good.

It let me back in!!

I have been lock out of my blog for MONTHS!!! But I am back. It finally let me get back in. It has been so stinking crazy around here, I probably wouldn't have time to blog anyway... but now that school is almost done there will be posts! I promise within two weeks you will see all the goodness the Cason's have been up to.

A new little princess to add to the family

What a relief today was! I cannot explain the anxiety that I have had this whole month waiting for this appointment. I don't know what it is about a miscarriage but it messes with you. I have been worried that this little peanut was not going to make it and that I was going to have to go through another nightmare. But she is past the ugly phase, FINALLY. All is well she looks good and is active just like my other two. She will fit right into our wild and crazy bunch. I was so excited to see her sweet face and her cute little nose. Ah babies are such a blessing.

Good read

I saw this book a long time ago and thought that I had to get it for my children. I finally got it about a year and a half ago and have to say that it has become a favorite. This story is about a little girl who hides the fact that she loves Lima beans because she thinks everyone will make fun of her. She ends up on a wild journey that shows us that being what everyone else wants you to be is hard, scary and not worth it. We should not hide who we are or be ashamed of it. We read this book last night before bed and I loved that my girls picked it out. I want them to know that they should be proud of who they are and everything about them. Life is not about making other people happy by changing who you are. If people cannot appreciate you for the wonderful unique things about you then, who needs them.

Tourette Syndrome

These two little worlds have been in my thoughts and my daily life for the last 7+ years. I had heard of it before. Read a few books about it, made a few jokes about and never really put a lot of thought into it. UNTIL I fell in love with a man who just happens to have it. So I did what any potential bride would do. RESEARCH. I read everything I could get my hands on about the subject. Cally having it never changed anything about the way that I felt for him. It did not define him, but it honestly enriched him. My mother in law uses the word humbles and I think that is a good term. I chuckle thinking about what my husband would be like if he was not humbled a little bit by his disorder ( he is already so obnoxiously cocky, a quality I actually adore :)) This has not defined him, it has helped shape him into the person I love.
I knew that the possibility was there that our children would be affected by this someday. I thought long and hard about it and decided that I was willing to take the chance. I read all about the heredity and found that girls were affected 75% less often then boys. When I had two girls, I am not going to lie I was a little relieved. If a female child is going to get something it is usually a lot more mild like just a tic disorder or a little OCD ( or a lot OCD).
Tourette Syndrome is not a death sentence, it is just something that some have to deal with. You can live a perfectly normal life and succeed in every area. The key to a good life it a good family and a good support system. I am lucky that Cally's mom is amazing. She never treated them ( Cally and two of his brothers have tourette's) any different. She didn't let them wallow in self pity, she didn't let them do more because they had something wrong with them. She treated them just the same as she would have if they didn't have it. This a model I think anyone should adopt with children. Not just children with special needs or children with a disorder, all children should be treated like children and never feel like they are entitled to certain things or cannot do certain things. All things are possible to every child and special treatment just creates nasty or whinny children.
So what am I getting to with the rant about TS? Well about a month ago Regan started to do something; at first I just thought she had a runny nose. Then she was clearing her throat and I thought she might have allergies or something. But in the back of my mind I knew that neither of those things were what was going on. She didn't need/want a tissue she wanted to get rid of this feeling she had. I just locked it up until Cally called me and told me that he thought she has a tic. I said "I know" and then I cried. I looked up the research again on diagnosis and when it starts to show. Regan is at the age when things start to appear. Diagnosis is a tricky thing. There is not a blood test there is not a brain scan, it is all behavior monitoring. No doctor will give a diagnosis for it if has been less then a year with the behaviors. Right now the tic she has is a complex verbal which coincides with TS. She has not developed a physical tic yet, but when/ if she does we pretty much will know that that is what it is. It could just stay mild and be a little tic disorder, or it could be full blown TS. I am grateful to know. I cannot imagine what my inlaws as well as my husband went through with years of dr. visits , tests, medications, and frustration. I am lucky to know. Not knowing what I am dealing with would be miserable.
I am sadden by this. But only because as a parent we just want our children's lives to be perfect. We want to be able to protect them from everything bad in the world. But we cannot. And it stings knowing that although I love her no matter what, that someone eventually will make fun of her, not want to be her friend, not want to date her, because of something so small. She is an amazing child and I have no doubt that she will be able to handle this all with a beautiful smile on her face and a positive attitude to go along with it. She is a smart, happy, fantastic child, who gets to have an extra challenge, that will keep her humble, sweet, understanding of others and compassionate. Qualities that I wish all of us were forced to develop, and she pretty much has no choice but to be amazing.

Here is a link for more information, if you are interested or just don't know anything about it.
www.tsa-usa.org

My Bed

While I was making my bed this morning, I got to thinking about how this one piece of furniture has played such an important part in my life. I bought the bed when I first moved to Oregon, the first day I had it I was taking a nap and woke up to Cally proposing to me. I think about all the wonderful moments in that bed. Obvious ones like wonderful intimate moments with the man I adore, to late night talks, crying in his arms when life has been hard, tickle fights and real fights that end with making up. Creating a family and cuddling with those beautiful children when they are sick, or had a bad dream, or just really want to be with mommy and daddy. Nursing and getting up in the middle of the night while my sweet man slept through the screaming and I wanted to hit him with a pillow. This bed has been such a beautiful part of our lives and for whatever reason ( I will blame it on pregnancy hormones) but it made me really emotional thinking about it all today.

So behind, might try to catch up later... but just some good news for now.

After a long and crazy journey, here we sit again. We are in a different place this time and although we are overwhelmed with the timing, we couldn't be happier. We are having a baby in December! It is going to be insane. Cally is going back to school in the fall, I am starting a Master's program ( and no I am not taking a semester off, I will be going back to school with a two week old YIKES) Our life is about to be turned upside down, but in a way that only a beautiful new baby can do. We are grateful for this child. Everything is going well, the baby is getting really big and making me sick :). We should be able to find out what the gender is next time we go in and really couldn't be more excited. Our kids are excited and keep debating over what they think it is. Regan wants a brother since she already has a sister and Lauren just is happy to have a baby. She is such a sweet helper, she always brings me food and say "your baby wants this" and hugs my belly and talks to the baby. So sweet. We are stoked... things are wonderful. Life is great.

Wishing it was warm...

I put that picture up of Cal and I in Mexico last year because all I can think about is running away and being somewhere warm. This has been one of the hardest months of my life. It has seemed to have drug on forever. Although it has been a giant struggle there has been moments of happiness interspersed through out all the tears.

I am sure everyone is wondering, but hates to ask... I am doing ok. I really do have really good days and really bad days I just have to keep it all in perspective and just cry out the bad moments. I will be fine. I have gotten past hating every pregnant person and now only am bitter at the ones that I know will be horrible parents and do not deserve to have those babies... anyway, lets concentrate on the good things.

I was my birthday, our anniversary, Cally's birthday, and Valentines day all mixed in this last month and well I had a lot of fun despite not really wanting to. Cally took me out to dinner and to the dashboard confessionals concert ( that you all should have gone to... so awesome!) It was absolutely freezing, but I really needed to get off the couch and he knew it so he endured the below zero temps so that I could listen to one of my favorite bands. We also went and saw the lovely bones. One of my favorite books and what turned out to be a descent interpretation. He made me a cake ( first one in six years) and really has treated me with kid gloves through all of this. I really am lucky to have such a sweet and understanding husband. I have been distant and mean and non wife and motherly and he has taken it all in stride and picked up all my slack. I love him.
It has been nice this year... lots of flowers, lots of funny and sweet cards, he has outdone himself. For our Anniversary we went to Senora Grill and it was super tasty, it was nice to have a night out without the kiddos. We got to talk, which is something that busy parents don't always get to do and I love that more than anything.

The girls have been fun like always. There is something about a needy three year old that gets really old when all you want to do is be sad and left alone, but I enjoyed taking pictures of her anyway...
she is always into something and most of the time I get annoyed but she has been really sweet and just silly and I love her for it.
























The weather has been all over
the place, but we have been trying
to get out as much as we can to
enjoy the bikes that they got for Christmas! They are getting really good and when all the snow is gone I know I won't be able to keep up with them.

The girls have started tumbling class and well, Lolo loves it and Regan not as much. I think that Regan doesn't like it because she is so tall and it is hard for her to whip herself around. After the first time Lauren came up to me and said, "Mommy that was so fun." I was so happy to hear that. Sometimes I feel like Lolo doesn't like anything and I wanted her to enjoy something and I am glad that we found something she likes. They also got an opportunity to do a mini cheer camp at Ogden high. THEY LOVED IT! It was so fun to watch them dance around. Lolo got hit in the eye right before she was supposed to perform and just stood there crying. Poor thing, I felt so bad. Regan on the other hand ROCK IT! She was not getting it during practice and I was a little worried that she would just forget everything and just stand there, but she nailed it. So so cute.

We got sick the day before Valentines and the day of Valentines. I think we had food poisoning, it was bad. I felt really bad because Cally planed this big surprise, that I still don't know the details about, but we weren't able to do it because we were all sick. By the end of the night we started to feel better and I made a poorly decorated but delish cake and then to honor the double holiday ( Chinese New Year) I made Chinese food. We felt better by this time I promise. I have never seen Regan eat so much, her new favorite food... Egg rolls. We went out for chinese again tonight because that is all she can talk about, it's cute in a weird way and we aren't complaining we like it too!

For Cal's birthday he had scouts and was gone the whole day at work. I feel bad because I didn't make a huge deal for his birthday. I made him a yummy cake and had couple friends over to share it. He is getting to go to Seattle and spend a lot more then I would have normally spent on him for his birthday, but not for a couple weeks, so it just seemed a little blah. He had used all the candles that we had on my cake and didn't tell me so when I went to get candles all there were was two numbered candles one from Regan's first and one from Lolo's third... so Cally got to turn 13 this year. ( we opted for that over 31 it just sounds so old.)

Other than that, life is just same old same old. School is kicking my butt, but I cannot decide if it is just because I missed two weeks and now I am playing catch up or if it is just that hard. I will pull through. Anyway life is good, really good.

Private

I decided to go private, I just don't like not knowing who is looking. So... if you want in let me know in the next couple days and I will put you on the list. email me at gidums@yahoo.com

This post was supposed to be different.

Although the out come is different the start is the same…

For about two years now I have been having what started out as a gentle nudge to have another child. The longer I denied the feeling the stronger it got. Until it got to a point where it was pounding so hard that I could not deny this little person to come and join our family any longer. I set an appointment to get my IUD out, but this overwhelmed and scared feeling came over me. I got the feeling that this child was special and that he needed this more than I could understand. I told Cally that this baby was either going to be special needs or that it was not going to stay with us for very long. We chickened out and canceled our appointment. The pounding became stronger and I couldn’t stop crying about not having this child so we finally went in to get rid of the IUD. We were excited. We were not supposed to try the first month because my Dr. said it probably wouldn’t take. We did anyway and well.. we didn’t get pregnant. I was sad but oh well. We went for round two and were happily surprised to find that this time it worked. We wanted to scream it off the roof tops and let the whole world know. But we held on, we told our families in the cutest way a couple weeks later and we were so excited and scared to be having our third child. All of my sisters and sister in law are having babies and there was something so fun about all of us having babies together.

My doctor was out of town so I had to wait a little longer than any of us would have liked to get in to see her. I think now that it was a blessing in disguise. When we went in and were joking and having fun talking about how crazy it would be if there were two and laughing about it all. While she was doing the ultrasound she kept asking me questions and I knew something was wrong. I joked trying to hold back tears, asking if she saw two and she said no definitely not two, and then I asked is there at least one, she told that yes there was one. She asked me again how far along I thought I was and then silence. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. She told me that the baby had stopped developing about two weeks ago. It got big enough to have a heart beat and then just stopped. She wants to be wrong and that we just miscalculated but doesn’t want to give me false hope. I go back in, in a couple of days to have it all removed and just check to make sure that that is what happened.

There is something about planning for a child that is so exciting; picking out names, thinking about what their life will be like. Getting all worked up about it is really the best part. Until something like this happens. I know I am not the only person in the world that has gone through this I am not going to be that insensitive, but there is something about losing a prospective child that stings more than any other pain I have ever felt. I know that the body is an amazing thing. I know that it took care of this child the way it needed to. I know that heavenly father has bigger plans for that little spirit and that I can't even comprehend. But it still doesn’t stop the pain.

I know this seems crazy to share something so personal, but it really makes me feel better to getting it all out.

Still not done...

So I am still not done with all my sewing projects, but I had to post these of the girls' they are so cute. The girls and their aprons. I made them structured and they look like little dresses. We made cookies in them yesterday. They were supposed to be for Christmas, but really they saw them being made so no surprise. They love them and they look so cute.

Whew... here goes months of not posting... I hope you don't get too bored.

To start here are some funny picture I took of the girls yesterday I just think even with marker mustaches they are still cute.

Oh goodness lets see if I can do this backwards... HA! I have not really posted anything in such a long time so I will start with the latest and go back... all the way to LOLO's birthday? Shoot, we might be here a while.

We are getting ready for Christmas. It is a strange year this year because my mom is gone. My sister had a baby ( yesterday!! YAY! ) so my mom went out to be with her and that means we had Christmas early. These boys are all so silly together and all the nieces are so sweet we had fun opening up some presents and playing together.

My dear sweet brother thought it would be something nice to give my little Lolo a kit full of 440 tattoos, I will just say I have had mess kids for a week and well Thank you Uncle Jerry, but that box has been stashed up in the closet in the office where the girls are not allowed to go. We had good food and got to have an odd weeks before Christmas, Christmas.

We always go to Ogden's Christmas light parade and go walk around the Christmas village and see Santa. This year Mommy decided to be a little silly and run in the Santa 5K before the parade. My good friends Shelley and Haylee ran with me and we had tons of fun despite my sad finishing time. ( I like to pretend that I like to run, but it is definitely something that I aspire to be good at am really not.) The girls had fun with all of their friends and got to watch mommy run.
I couldn't stop laughing all night because Lauren wanted to hold Nate and Cally's hands and I just thought it look like she had two dad's. They are sweet to look like a spectacle just for her to be happy.














Lolo was loving the hot cocoa and it goes to a good cause so we can't pass it up. The girls both got to sit with Santa ( after standing in line behind the CRAZIEST man ever and dealing with him smoking and no joke counting his SEVEN kids ( under 10 YOWZA!) to make sure they were all there.) They both asked for Violin's well... sorry in advanced from Santa ( we will let him let them down right? We are the heroes not him) Regan will get one for her birthday, just not for Christmas.

We have been having fun with friends and having fun parties! We have received some rocking white elephant gifts this year... pretty much too good to talk about. HA! We love our friends... don't know what we would do with out you all ! (muah!)

I have been busy like always killing myself trying to get through school. This semester has been a butt kicker and unfortunately the worst grade I have gotten ever!... ok well Freshman year doesn't count right? That was a billion and a half years ago. Anyway We still find time to have fun and play. I made some cute little things for all of my nieces and soon to be nephews. Did I mention all of my sisters and my sister in law are all pregnant except for one and we won't put the pressure on Rachel. :)So I have had the material and idea for months but just have not a spare moment to get things done. I made aprons for all the nieces and still have about five more to get done for my girls and some of our friends three girls. I decided to try making designs on onsies for all the soon to be babies. They turned out cute even though it was hard on such small little shirts. ( the "J" was so hard I cannot even describe)So many more to finish in the next couple days I will post when they are done. I wish I had more time for sewing, because when I do have the time I really like it.

OK I have made it back three weeks... AH and left out so much... I should keep this up better, I just don't have time to update every week. Just know that we are having a blast together and it's a non stop party at the Cason home... we have done something every night since I have been out of school, not exaggerating. I am loving seeing friends and getting to play, I just am getting a little tired and well.. I guess I still have two weeks to get somethings done and rest before school start again.

November is one big blur of teaching and school and studying and nonsense I did get to teach and awesome lesson on body image and felt it was one of the best lessons that I have ever taught. We had some family pictures taken and for all of you that we sent our Christmas cards. We had fun and my sister, pregnant and all always does such a good job, and at such a good price (free ah.)












On to HALLOWEEN . We had fun dressing up and taking the girls out. Regan was a dragonfly, Lolo was a fly, mommy was a bumble bee and daddy was the orkin man.We went trick or treating with our friends the Holliens and the girls just love Kaydence she was a butterfly so she fit right in. We had a fun party with some good friends and played life sized clue at a mortuary ( It was fun and like always a little creepy... no dead people in there today, but I never want to see an embalming room again! EW NASTY AND SMELLY! and oddly warm) We got to hear fun ghost stories from the mortuary and had YUMMY food and good time with friends.
Here are the girls diving into their candy... they were wired for days.






We started a new game at the park that we just love to play. We put a ball on the play ground, spread out in all directions and all race to see who can get to it the fastest. The girls love to run and play and their daddy is so good at coming up with ways to keep them occupied.

It rained for like two weeks straight and everyday Regan would go out and dance in the rain. She is so cute I had to post a least on picture. She is just a little dancer. She does her cheerleading moves everyday and puts girls twice her age to shame with her dance skills. I love that girl.
We planted a apple tree when we first moved in and this year finally got a few apples. I made a super yummy apple pie ( did I mention I love making pies and they are tasty... if I do say so myself) I only can hope that next year we will get enough to make two pies. They were awesome though, nothing tastes better then some thing plucked from your backyard.

If you are STILL reading than, thank you, I love you too. I let Lolo take pictures all the time I should just do a post of all of her awesome pictures, she actually is pretty good. A lot of the pictures that I am in are because she takes them, but here is a photo I loved because there really is nothing cuter than a pair of chubby little feet.


The girls have been loving school here is a picture of the first day of school this year. They are so lucky to be in such a great program and with teachers that we all love and trust. We love WSU children's school. I will find all their picture from school and post them. They have so much fun and learn so much.


We missed the first week of school because we were in Oregon for Cal's cousin Sarah and best friend Jason's wedding. ( Cal hooked them up a couple years ago and it all worked out! They are an awesome couple!)
Before we left for Portland we had a party for Lolo with lots of friends and few family members and one crazy ward activity lady. It is a good thing that this post is not letting me go into detail about everything but this lady was a monster and if I had written about it when it just had happened the post would have been "R" rated because I was so mad. ANYWAY, we had lots of fun at the splash pad and Lauren had so much fun... obviously.When we finally did get to Portland we had a party for her there. We sang to her three times because people kept coming in while we were singing... she really thought we were crazy. We missed Daddy on her actually birthday but we did get a happy surprise and got him a few days earlier than anticipated. The girls had so much fun playing with their aunts and uncles and Grandparents. They did so many fun things... like the zoo, oaks park, train rides around the city and just all around fun with everyone. More sewing and I did it all by myself with the kind guidence of my awesome mother in law. We miss them all so much and cannot wait to go out again in March.

I left out so much! So many pictures and fun stories, but these are the highlights. I doubt anyone made it all the way through, but again if you did... I love you too. We are a happy bunch we have a fun time together! I promise that I will be better at keeping this up. I have so many fantastic things to write about still, but won't I will save it for later. Life is good. Hope yours is too.