Cason Clan

Today I grieve

2011-10-05T21:26:00.002-06:00

Today I grieve the loss of a life the was planned out. I grieve the loss of hopes, I grieve the loss of the way I WANTED my life to be. I grieve for the what might have beens and the what might never bes. I am letting myself feel sad for so many things.

At some point in time I feel like we all have this vision of what life is going to be like. Mine is far from what I thought it would be 9 years ago when I started to dream of what my life might be like with a crazy man named Cally.

My therapist ( Well Lauren's technically, but might as well be mine, I think he does more to make me feel better about everything going on in my life then he really does for her.) reminds me every week that the only way that we can be happy is to let go of the dream we had. Deal with the reality that we have been given. Life is not fair sometimes and it is harder than we want it to be some days. But I cannot dwell on what might have been and what I thought I should have.
So today, I will cry and hopefully tomorrow I will be able to face the life that has been given to me with the strength I need to have for me and for my children. I cannot let the scary unknown get to me. Head up, and keep going...

My life...

2011-08-14T17:11:00.007-06:00

I was told once by a service missionary in my ward a life lesson he had learn:
"Every Sunday I would would wrestle my son. I would scold and reprimand him for not sitting still. I would wonder why he couldn't be like the other kids sitting perfectly still, listening and being the ideal LDS child. Later we found out that our son was mildly autistic and struggled to do anything like the other kids. I cried thinking about how I treated him and how I was awful to him because he embarrassed me and frustrated me. I was so worried about what everyone else expected out of my child, that I didn't treat him the way he needed. I see you with your daughter and smile as I watch you struggle to have patience and show her love. You come every week and endure the frustration. I admire your effort and I wish I would have been better with my son." Every week I catch him smiling at me and giving me the strength I need to keep going.

It would be easy to stop coming. It really would. I endure comments of "every child can be taught to sit still." "Your child is out in the hall AGAIN." "Man does your kid ever stay in class?" I tolerate these comments as gracefully as I can and muster the strength to keep coming and enduring. It's not just at church unfortunately. Comments of "why can't you just teach her?" stab to my core and make me want to tell you to F#*% off and never talk to you again. I will always pick her ALWAYS

Do you think this is easy? I want to ask. Do you know what it is like to have a child who is a little different? Do you know how I must feel having to deal with this day in and day out? Do you know that comments like that make me feel like you are kicking me while I am already down? Do I need to tattoo a label on my child's forehead so that you will understand?

Here's her label, ADHD:

ADHD is a medical disorder, not a condition of the child's will. A child with ADHD does not choose to misbehave, not pay attention, or leave work undone. ADHD is a disability.

You want to know why she does what she does, and acts the ways she acts, there you go. It's none of your damn business, but there you go anyway. I hate that you have made me feel bad about my child. I hate that you make me doubt my parenting. I hate the way you look at me and more the way you look at her. It's easy to judge when you don't understand. She is amazing and smart and gorgeous and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I lose sleep over her, being angry at her and frustrated at her. I lose my temper with her, I cry and cry and cry. Please say one more thing to me. Please. You have no idea what that does to me.

I love her and I will love her no matter what and nothing that you say to me, will ever change that.

Things I have learned recently

2011-06-28T18:35:00.006-06:00

Aubrey does not like rice cereal, but she does like blueberries, cornbread and Popsicles.

Maturity is a relative term.

I can do a lot more by myself then I ever thought I could.

Love makes no sense at all.

Crazy is everywhere.

That some of my priorities are misguided.

My children are growing up too fast.

The crap that two people can amass in eight years is amazing.

Sometimes I still make very poor choices.

I am not very good at a lot of things.

I probably need to be medicated.

I don't like excuses, from anyone especially from me.

Laundry is a nonstop necessary evil.

There is no such thing as black and white.

Confidence is an illusive term.

At one point wanted to be the fun mom who had all the neighborhood kids over, until I became that and now I realize it is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be and just want everyone to go home.

The bigger expectation, the bigger the let down.

My kids personalities are SO funny.

I think I may be bi-polar because seriously I have so many manic moments lately.

My fuse has not just shortened I think it pretty much disappeared.

My heart is not big enough for everyone I think I need to be there for.

Is stubborn, and I feel major guilt because of it.

Reason I love

2011-06-13T10:14:00.007-06:00

Uh that last post was DEPRESSING... lets move on. While spending time with my family yesterday I was thinking about how truly blessed I am. Cheesy cheesy blah blah blah. But really I am. I am horrible about keeping track of things (obviously) so I try to jot down funny things my children say or do here and there, don't worry I have some on my ipod, some in books, some on scraps of paper and I know I really need to put them all in one place and MAYBE someday I will... Today I am just happy to have them and glad that they give me something to love.

Reasons I love Aubrey... Her smile; from the moment I peek into her crib to she her smiling and waiting for me, to all of the moments through out the day that she smiles at me and reminds me that for this moment I am her whole world. Seriously the best feeling EVER. Her laugh; she snorts, it is the best. Her current attempts at crawling; only backwards for now and getting stuck in corners, up against walls and under tables, so funny. She gets up on all fours and rocks and then face plants, she is a comic genius and doesn't even know it. Her hugs; did you know little babies hug? Mine does and I love it. The way she has weaseled herself into every moment of my life and doesn't plan on stopping. ( I promise she loves me she is not going anywhere). Her big GORGEOUS blue eyes. They stare at me the same way that Cally's do. Big blue and heart melting. Ah, she is the best.

Reason I love Lauren... she is adventurous; it drives me up the wall when I find her climbing the swingset or the polls of the trampoline, running around with the neighbor boys, hanging upside down from anything she can, but secretly ( the non worrisome mom side of me LOVES that she tries everything and is not afraid.) She loves a thrill, roller coasters, and doing back flips out of the swing she is just all smiles. Her smile; she seriously has perfect teeth. Her mouth curls up in the best smile I have ever seen on a child. She makes the funniest faces all trying to make me laugh. Her fake Spanish/ Chinese/ French... oh she is funny. You seriously have no idea the funnies inside this girl. Her loving nature. She loves everyone and wants to be loved back. She always wants to be hugged, held and cuddled. She has the most perfect curls. She is a mini Cally. She pushes to the VERY edge, I hate it sometimes, but know that someday it will be beneficial if I can just harness all that crazy energy.

Reasons I love Regan... she is the smartest little girl I know. Her brain works about a mile a minute and she absorbs EVERYTHING she hears. She can remember things like no one I have ever met and has confidence in her knowledge about the world around her. She is spunky and funny, always acting silly and dancing around. So carefree and full of life. She is a leader and always makes plans. She gets others to do what she planned ( thank goodness its all good stuff for now). Those blue eyes, oh I am a sucker. I love them I love them I love them. She is girly and silly and wants to dress up and be beautiful. ( how did this child come from me?)She is caring and compassionate and friends with everyone she meets. She is confident and fantastic. She has always been so mature for her age, sometimes she shows me that she is a little girl, but mostly she is just an old soul. She has a great imagination and loves to play. She is flirty and funny and seriously full of life.

Reasons I love Cally... he was meant for me. He knows how to deal with everything I throw at him. People ask me all the time how I have patience for his craziness, but honestly they don't know that he is the one putting up with the craziness. He is caring and kind. He would do anything for his family. He has a horrible sense of humor that honestly I think I am the only one who really gets it. He would do anything to make me smile. He pushes everything to the edge just to get a reaction from someone. He is the most loyal person you will ever meet. You want a good friend? Cally is a good friend. He has never made me feel bad about myself and is constantly lifting me up. He tries so hard just to impress me. He is hardworking and would do anything it took to take care of his girls. He is physically perfect, he can do nothing and still have an amazing body, not train for a year and run ten miles. He cannot play a sport that involves a ball and all of my years of trying he has still failed to improve. I secretly ( ok no so secretly, love that I can beat him at SOMETHING) He is passionate and crazy. He loves me more than I could every hope for and lets me love him. And how could I forget that smile. I fell in love with that smile and cannot live a day without it...

These are the reasons I love.

Toxic relationships

2011-06-10T09:24:00.003-06:00

I have been dealing with these my entire life. I have an odd personality. I crave stability, but shun conformity and tend to fight the feelings that I know are right and good for ones that make me feel comfortable. I do not like being vulnerable and tend to shy away from affection, attention, praise, closeness etc. I usually don't let what others say about me affect me. I beat myself up enough as it is and don 't need to hear what faults others find in me. Lately I have been feeling worse than I think I have ever felt. I am taking things personally that I used to let roll off my back. I am letting cutting words really hurt my self -worth. I am letting peoples disregard for me question my importance. I can see it, which is an unfortunate part of being an intelligent and perceptive person ( sorry I have to say nice things about myself right now, or I might lose it).

How am I supposed to behave? I am feeling so unimportant to people I should be important to. I feel hurt by ugliness and flippancy (word?) I know I am imperfect, I know I say things that I shouldn't and don't do a lot of things that I should. I know I am married to a man who says things he shouldn't. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with. I take myself out of relationships. I close myself down. Somehow I think it will be easier this way, but then I feel bad about it later. I am not talking about only one relationship here unfortunately. One I am conflicted by commandments to continue and I don't know if I can muster the will power to subject myself to the abuse much longer. The others are ones I feel I have put effort and love into, just to be spat on.

So my question is, how do I deal? Do I just cut ties and move on? Do I try to mend ( which just REALLY isn't my thing, DANG YOU PRIDE) or just accept the relationship as it is and realize that, it just is what it is?

So then I think maybe it is just me. I am busy. Really busy, maybe my relationships are falling apart because I let them. My kids and my husband are more important to me than ANYONE else and I say no to things because I would rather spend my non-school time with them. But then I think REALLY hard and say to myself ,no, I still make the effort, oh it's just me? I am the one that calls, I am the one that tries. I am SO crazy, they just don't want to be friends with me. They don't want to spend time with me. I am the one that is doing everything wrong. It's just me. It's just me.

I have been struggling to find anything about myself that I like these days. I feel stupid, useless, ugly, fat, boring, socially awkward, slow, emotional, defensive, unmotivated, unwanted. The sad part is these are feelings that I let others project onto me. When I am alone and with my husband I feel content and wish the rest of the world would just melt away. These feelings have made me pull away farther then I ever have. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I just feel really vulnerable.

I know I need to FIX all this, but part of me just wants to continue to live in my little bubble where the 5 of us couldn't be happier. Just keep the rest of the world out and block all the ugliness. For whatever reason I don't have the strength to deal with all the garbage.

I am sorry I am rambling on, this is cheaper than therapy. I have a million things I want to say, but will keep in for the sake of ugliness. Bottling it up too much makes me spit ugliness in other areas. I would rather just vent a little here to keep the ugly at bay.

Seriously the only thing that keeps me sane these days is singing this kids song that I like to sing with my girls:

"I'm not perfect no I'm not

I'm not perfect but I've got what I've got

I do my very best I do my very best

I do my very best each day

But I'm not perfect

And I hope you like me that way"

I think I need a hug, oh wait, I don't liked to be touched.

Two weeks, more like two months.... sorry.

2011-06-05T12:51:00.004-06:00

I was reminded today that I had a blog! HA... how embarrassing, It's been a year since I REALLY posted. Don't worry nothing happened; just Regan starting and finishing kindergarten, Lauren finishing preschool, Cally going back to school, Me getting half way done with my masters program, family living with us, weddings, vacations, dance recitals, broken bones, sicknesses, oh and WE HAD A BABY!!

Most of you know that we did in fact not name her Harper as the sidebar might dispute... don't worry I will change it. Aubrey Elizabeth Cason was born on Dec 18th via c-secttion ((grumble)) be glad I was not posting back then. I was kinda a bitter Betty about it all. But all is well and although I am still a grump about it, she is a doll.

I couldn't ask for a better baby. She sleeps 10-12 hours a night, NEVER cries, smiles all day long, and puts up with her sisters craziness. She is bound to be the most mellow, she just watches them and laughs at all the silly things they do. Lauren and her have a bond like you wouldn't believe. I just have to constantly protect Aubrey from Lauren's "love".

Having three isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. She is really the easiest baby. She goes to school with me, never makes a peep, sleeps when I want her to, and cuddles up, and makes me life whole. After I lost that baby a year and a half ago, I wanted to be done. I thought that two was enough for me and that I cannot do it again. I felt so guilty being pregnant again and just "forgetting" the other one. If I didn't have the faith that I have I don't think I could have had another. Knowing that I will be able to have that child again gives me peace. I have always hated the mentality of when you lose a child, that it is no big deal you can just try again for another next month. I don't feel that way and I had a hard time feeling justified just getting back at it again. I gave myself one chance to get pregnant with her and if it didn't take, then I would be done. Well the lord knows what he is doing. Aubrey is the best decision I have made in a really long time. She has blessed our family in so many ways. She has brought us all closer as a family and reminded us how much we love each other. She has made our family complete and we couldn't love her more.

Well, that's all your getting at the moment, but that should make a couple of you happy, that haven't seen Aubrey. She's the best. I am lucky to have 3 GORGEOUS and CRAZY girls.

Life is good.

It let me back in!!

2011-04-14T13:19:00.002-06:00

I have been lock out of my blog for MONTHS!!! But I am back. It finally let me get back in. It has been so stinking crazy around here, I probably wouldn't have time to blog anyway... but now that school is almost done there will be posts! I promise within two weeks you will see all the goodness the Cason's have been up to.

A new little princess to add to the family

2010-06-29T14:45:00.003-06:00

What a relief today was! I cannot explain the anxiety that I have had this whole month waiting for this appointment. I don't know what it is about a miscarriage but it messes with you. I have been worried that this little peanut was not going to make it and that I was going to have to go through another nightmare. But she is past the ugly phase, FINALLY. All is well she looks good and is active just like my other two. She will fit right into our wild and crazy bunch. I was so excited to see her sweet face and her cute little nose. Ah babies are such a blessing.

Good read

2010-06-28T13:06:00.002-06:00

I saw this book a long time ago and thought that I had to get it for my children. I finally got it about a year and a half ago and have to say that it has become a favorite. This story is about a little girl who hides the fact that she loves Lima beans because she thinks everyone will make fun of her. She ends up on a wild journey that shows us that being what everyone else wants you to be is hard, scary and not worth it. We should not hide who we are or be ashamed of it. We read this book last night before bed and I loved that my girls picked it out. I want them to know that they should be proud of who they are and everything about them. Life is not about making other people happy by changing who you are. If people cannot appreciate you for the wonderful unique things about you then, who needs them.

Tourette Syndrome

2010-06-23T08:54:00.004-06:00

These two little worlds have been in my thoughts and my daily life for the last 7+ years. I had heard of it before. Read a few books about it, made a few jokes about and never really put a lot of thought into it. UNTIL I fell in love with a man who just happens to have it. So I did what any potential bride would do. RESEARCH. I read everything I could get my hands on about the subject. Cally having it never changed anything about the way that I felt for him. It did not define him, but it honestly enriched him. My mother in law uses the word humbles and I think that is a good term. I chuckle thinking about what my husband would be like if he was not humbled a little bit by his disorder ( he is already so obnoxiously cocky, a quality I actually adore :)) This has not defined him, it has helped shape him into the person I love.
I knew that the possibility was there that our children would be affected by this someday. I thought long and hard about it and decided that I was willing to take the chance. I read all about the heredity and found that girls were affected 75% less often then boys. When I had two girls, I am not going to lie I was a little relieved. If a female child is going to get something it is usually a lot more mild like just a tic disorder or a little OCD ( or a lot OCD).
Tourette Syndrome is not a death sentence, it is just something that some have to deal with. You can live a perfectly normal life and succeed in every area. The key to a good life it a good family and a good support system. I am lucky that Cally's mom is amazing. She never treated them ( Cally and two of his brothers have tourette's) any different. She didn't let them wallow in self pity, she didn't let them do more because they had something wrong with them. She treated them just the same as she would have if they didn't have it. This a model I think anyone should adopt with children. Not just children with special needs or children with a disorder, all children should be treated like children and never feel like they are entitled to certain things or cannot do certain things. All things are possible to every child and special treatment just creates nasty or whinny children.
So what am I getting to with the rant about TS? Well about a month ago Regan started to do something; at first I just thought she had a runny nose. Then she was clearing her throat and I thought she might have allergies or something. But in the back of my mind I knew that neither of those things were what was going on. She didn't need/want a tissue she wanted to get rid of this feeling she had. I just locked it up until Cally called me and told me that he thought she has a tic. I said "I know" and then I cried. I looked up the research again on diagnosis and when it starts to show. Regan is at the age when things start to appear. Diagnosis is a tricky thing. There is not a blood test there is not a brain scan, it is all behavior monitoring. No doctor will give a diagnosis for it if has been less then a year with the behaviors. Right now the tic she has is a complex verbal which coincides with TS. She has not developed a physical tic yet, but when/ if she does we pretty much will know that that is what it is. It could just stay mild and be a little tic disorder, or it could be full blown TS. I am grateful to know. I cannot imagine what my inlaws as well as my husband went through with years of dr. visits , tests, medications, and frustration. I am lucky to know. Not knowing what I am dealing with would be miserable.
I am sadden by this. But only because as a parent we just want our children's lives to be perfect. We want to be able to protect them from everything bad in the world. But we cannot. And it stings knowing that although I love her no matter what, that someone eventually will make fun of her, not want to be her friend, not want to date her, because of something so small. She is an amazing child and I have no doubt that she will be able to handle this all with a beautiful smile on her face and a positive attitude to go along with it. She is a smart, happy, fantastic child, who gets to have an extra challenge, that will keep her humble, sweet, understanding of others and compassionate. Qualities that I wish all of us were forced to develop, and she pretty much has no choice but to be amazing.

Here is a link for more information, if you are interested or just don't know anything about it.
www.tsa-usa.org

My Bed

2010-06-11T11:44:00.002-06:00

While I was making my bed this morning, I got to thinking about how this one piece of furniture has played such an important part in my life. I bought the bed when I first moved to Oregon, the first day I had it I was taking a nap and woke up to Cally proposing to me. I think about all the wonderful moments in that bed. Obvious ones like wonderful intimate moments with the man I adore, to late night talks, crying in his arms when life has been hard, tickle fights and real fights that end with making up. Creating a family and cuddling with those beautiful children when they are sick, or had a bad dream, or just really want to be with mommy and daddy. Nursing and getting up in the middle of the night while my sweet man slept through the screaming and I wanted to hit him with a pillow. This bed has been such a beautiful part of our lives and for whatever reason ( I will blame it on pregnancy hormones) but it made me really emotional thinking about it all today.

So behind, might try to catch up later... but just some good news for now.

2010-06-02T08:58:00.002-06:00

After a long and crazy journey, here we sit again. We are in a different place this time and although we are overwhelmed with the timing, we couldn't be happier. We are having a baby in December! It is going to be insane. Cally is going back to school in the fall, I am starting a Master's program ( and no I am not taking a semester off, I will be going back to school with a two week old YIKES) Our life is about to be turned upside down, but in a way that only a beautiful new baby can do. We are grateful for this child. Everything is going well, the baby is getting really big and making me sick :). We should be able to find out what the gender is next time we go in and really couldn't be more excited. Our kids are excited and keep debating over what they think it is. Regan wants a brother since she already has a sister and Lauren just is happy to have a baby. She is such a sweet helper, she always brings me food and say "your baby wants this" and hugs my belly and talks to the baby. So sweet. We are stoked... things are wonderful. Life is great.

Wishing it was warm...

2010-02-20T23:47:00.014-07:00

I put that picture up of Cal and I in Mexico last year because all I can think about is running away and being somewhere warm. This has been one of the hardest months of my life. It has seemed to have drug on forever. Although it has been a giant struggle there has been moments of happiness interspersed through out all the tears.

I am sure everyone is wondering, but hates to ask... I am doing ok. I really do have really good days and really bad days I just have to keep it all in perspective and just cry out the bad moments. I will be fine. I have gotten past hating every pregnant person and now only am bitter at the ones that I know will be horrible parents and do not deserve to have those babies... anyway, lets concentrate on the good things.

I was my birthday, our anniversary, Cally's birthday, and Valentines day all mixed in this last month and well I had a lot of fun despite not really wanting to. Cally took me out to dinner and to the dashboard confessionals concert ( that you all should have gone to... so awesome!) It was absolutely freezing, but I really needed to get off the couch and he knew it so he endured the below zero temps so that I could listen to one of my favorite bands. We also went and saw the lovely bones. One of my favorite books and what turned out to be a descent interpretation. He made me a cake ( first one in six years) and really has treated me with kid gloves through all of this. I really am lucky to have such a sweet and understanding husband. I have been distant and mean and non wife and motherly and he has taken it all in stride and picked up all my slack. I love him.
It has been nice this year... lots of flowers, lots of funny and sweet cards, he has outdone himself. For our Anniversary we went to Senora Grill and it was super tasty, it was nice to have a night out without the kiddos. We got to talk, which is something that busy parents don't always get to do and I love that more than anything.

The girls have been fun like always. There is something about a needy three year old that gets really old when all you want to do is be sad and left alone, but I enjoyed taking pictures of her anyway...
she is always into something and most of the time I get annoyed but she has been really sweet and just silly and I love her for it.

The weather has been all over
the place, but we have been trying
to get out as much as we can to
enjoy the bikes that they got for Christmas! They are getting really good and when all the snow is gone I know I won't be able to keep up with them.

The girls have started tumbling class and well, Lolo loves it and Regan not as much. I think that Regan doesn't like it because she is so tall and it is hard for her to whip herself around. After the first time Lauren came up to me and said, "Mommy that was so fun." I was so happy to hear that. Sometimes I feel like Lolo doesn't like anything and I wanted her to enjoy something and I am glad that we found something she likes. They also got an opportunity to do a mini cheer camp at Ogden high. THEY LOVED IT! It was so fun to watch them dance around. Lolo got hit in the eye right before she was supposed to perform and just stood there crying. Poor thing, I felt so bad. Regan on the other hand ROCK IT! She was not getting it during practice and I was a little worried that she would just forget everything and just stand there, but she nailed it. So so cute.

We got sick the day before Valentines and the day of Valentines. I think we had food poisoning, it was bad. I felt really bad because Cally planed this big surprise, that I still don't know the details about, but we weren't able to do it because we were all sick. By the end of the night we started to feel better and I made a poorly decorated but delish cake and then to honor the double holiday ( Chinese New Year) I made Chinese food. We felt better by this time I promise. I have never seen Regan eat so much, her new favorite food... Egg rolls. We went out for chinese again tonight because that is all she can talk about, it's cute in a weird way and we aren't complaining we like it too!

For Cal's birthday he had scouts and was gone the whole day at work. I feel bad because I didn't make a huge deal for his birthday. I made him a yummy cake and had couple friends over to share it. He is getting to go to Seattle and spend a lot more then I would have normally spent on him for his birthday, but not for a couple weeks, so it just seemed a little blah. He had used all the candles that we had on my cake and didn't tell me so when I went to get candles all there were was two numbered candles one from Regan's first and one from Lolo's third... so Cally got to turn 13 this year. ( we opted for that over 31 it just sounds so old.)

Other than that, life is just same old same old. School is kicking my butt, but I cannot decide if it is just because I missed two weeks and now I am playing catch up or if it is just that hard. I will pull through. Anyway life is good, really good.

Private

2010-02-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

I decided to go private, I just don't like not knowing who is looking. So... if you want in let me know in the next couple days and I will put you on the list. email me at gidums@yahoo.com

This post was supposed to be different.

2010-01-13T10:02:00.002-07:00

Although the out come is different the start is the same…

For about two years now I have been having what started out as a gentle nudge to have another child. The longer I denied the feeling the stronger it got. Until it got to a point where it was pounding so hard that I could not deny this little person to come and join our family any longer. I set an appointment to get my IUD out, but this overwhelmed and scared feeling came over me. I got the feeling that this child was special and that he needed this more than I could understand. I told Cally that this baby was either going to be special needs or that it was not going to stay with us for very long. We chickened out and canceled our appointment. The pounding became stronger and I couldn’t stop crying about not having this child so we finally went in to get rid of the IUD. We were excited. We were not supposed to try the first month because my Dr. said it probably wouldn’t take. We did anyway and well.. we didn’t get pregnant. I was sad but oh well. We went for round two and were happily surprised to find that this time it worked. We wanted to scream it off the roof tops and let the whole world know. But we held on, we told our families in the cutest way a couple weeks later and we were so excited and scared to be having our third child. All of my sisters and sister in law are having babies and there was something so fun about all of us having babies together.

My doctor was out of town so I had to wait a little longer than any of us would have liked to get in to see her. I think now that it was a blessing in disguise. When we went in and were joking and having fun talking about how crazy it would be if there were two and laughing about it all. While she was doing the ultrasound she kept asking me questions and I knew something was wrong. I joked trying to hold back tears, asking if she saw two and she said no definitely not two, and then I asked is there at least one, she told that yes there was one. She asked me again how far along I thought I was and then silence. There was no heartbeat. Not even a flicker. She told me that the baby had stopped developing about two weeks ago. It got big enough to have a heart beat and then just stopped. She wants to be wrong and that we just miscalculated but doesn’t want to give me false hope. I go back in, in a couple of days to have it all removed and just check to make sure that that is what happened.

There is something about planning for a child that is so exciting; picking out names, thinking about what their life will be like. Getting all worked up about it is really the best part. Until something like this happens. I know I am not the only person in the world that has gone through this I am not going to be that insensitive, but there is something about losing a prospective child that stings more than any other pain I have ever felt. I know that the body is an amazing thing. I know that it took care of this child the way it needed to. I know that heavenly father has bigger plans for that little spirit and that I can't even comprehend. But it still doesn’t stop the pain.

I know this seems crazy to share something so personal, but it really makes me feel better to getting it all out.

Still not done...

2009-12-23T08:09:00.003-07:00

So I am still not done with all my sewing projects, but I had to post these of the girls' they are so cute. The girls and their aprons. I made them structured and they look like little dresses. We made cookies in them yesterday. They were supposed to be for Christmas, but really they saw them being made so no surprise. They love them and they look so cute.

Whew... here goes months of not posting... I hope you don't get too bored.

2009-12-20T14:48:00.016-07:00

To start here are some funny picture I took of the girls yesterday I just think even with marker mustaches they are still cute.

Oh goodness lets see if I can do this backwards... HA! I have not really posted anything in such a long time so I will start with the latest and go back... all the way to LOLO's birthday? Shoot, we might be here a while.

We are getting ready for Christmas. It is a strange year this year because my mom is gone. My sister had a baby ( yesterday!! YAY! ) so my mom went out to be with her and that means we had Christmas early. These boys are all so silly together and all the nieces are so sweet we had fun opening up some presents and playing together.

My dear sweet brother thought it would be something nice to give my little Lolo a kit full of 440 tattoos, I will just say I have had mess kids for a week and well Thank you Uncle Jerry, but that box has been stashed up in the closet in the office where the girls are not allowed to go. We had good food and got to have an odd weeks before Christmas, Christmas.

We always go to Ogden's Christmas light parade and go walk around the Christmas village and see Santa. This year Mommy decided to be a little silly and run in the Santa 5K before the parade. My good friends Shelley and Haylee ran with me and we had tons of fun despite my sad finishing time. ( I like to pretend that I like to run, but it is definitely something that I aspire to be good at am really not.) The girls had fun with all of their friends and got to watch mommy run.
I couldn't stop laughing all night because Lauren wanted to hold Nate and Cally's hands and I just thought it look like she had two dad's. They are sweet to look like a spectacle just for her to be happy.

Lolo was loving the hot cocoa and it goes to a good cause so we can't pass it up. The girls both got to sit with Santa ( after standing in line behind the CRAZIEST man ever and dealing with him smoking and no joke counting his SEVEN kids ( under 10 YOWZA!) to make sure they were all there.) They both asked for Violin's well... sorry in advanced from Santa ( we will let him let them down right? We are the heroes not him) Regan will get one for her birthday, just not for Christmas.

We have been having fun with friends and having fun parties! We have received some rocking white elephant gifts this year... pretty much too good to talk about. HA! We love our friends... don't know what we would do with out you all ! (muah!)

I have been busy like always killing myself trying to get through school. This semester has been a butt kicker and unfortunately the worst grade I have gotten ever!... ok well Freshman year doesn't count right? That was a billion and a half years ago. Anyway We still find time to have fun and play. I made some cute little things for all of my nieces and soon to be nephews. Did I mention all of my sisters and my sister in law are all pregnant except for one and we won't put the pressure on Rachel. :)So I have had the material and idea for months but just have not a spare moment to get things done. I made aprons for all the nieces and still have about five more to get done for my girls and some of our friends three girls. I decided to try making designs on onsies for all the soon to be babies. They turned out cute even though it was hard on such small little shirts. ( the "J" was so hard I cannot even describe)So many more to finish in the next couple days I will post when they are done. I wish I had more time for sewing, because when I do have the time I really like it.

OK I have made it back three weeks... AH and left out so much... I should keep this up better, I just don't have time to update every week. Just know that we are having a blast together and it's a non stop party at the Cason home... we have done something every night since I have been out of school, not exaggerating. I am loving seeing friends and getting to play, I just am getting a little tired and well.. I guess I still have two weeks to get somethings done and rest before school start again.

November is one big blur of teaching and school and studying and nonsense I did get to teach and awesome lesson on body image and felt it was one of the best lessons that I have ever taught. We had some family pictures taken and for all of you that we sent our Christmas cards. We had fun and my sister, pregnant and all always does such a good job, and at such a good price (free ah.)

On to HALLOWEEN . We had fun dressing up and taking the girls out. Regan was a dragonfly, Lolo was a fly, mommy was a bumble bee and daddy was the orkin man.We went trick or treating with our friends the Holliens and the girls just love Kaydence she was a butterfly so she fit right in. We had a fun party with some good friends and played life sized clue at a mortuary ( It was fun and like always a little creepy... no dead people in there today, but I never want to see an embalming room again! EW NASTY AND SMELLY! and oddly warm) We got to hear fun ghost stories from the mortuary and had YUMMY food and good time with friends.
Here are the girls diving into their candy... they were wired for days.

We started a new game at the park that we just love to play. We put a ball on the play ground, spread out in all directions and all race to see who can get to it the fastest. The girls love to run and play and their daddy is so good at coming up with ways to keep them occupied.

It rained for like two weeks straight and everyday Regan would go out and dance in the rain. She is so cute I had to post a least on picture. She is just a little dancer. She does her cheerleading moves everyday and puts girls twice her age to shame with her dance skills. I love that girl.
We planted a apple tree when we first moved in and this year finally got a few apples. I made a super yummy apple pie ( did I mention I love making pies and they are tasty... if I do say so myself) I only can hope that next year we will get enough to make two pies. They were awesome though, nothing tastes better then some thing plucked from your backyard.

If you are STILL reading than, thank you, I love you too. I let Lolo take pictures all the time I should just do a post of all of her awesome pictures, she actually is pretty good. A lot of the pictures that I am in are because she takes them, but here is a photo I loved because there really is nothing cuter than a pair of chubby little feet.

The girls have been loving school here is a picture of the first day of school this year. They are so lucky to be in such a great program and with teachers that we all love and trust. We love WSU children's school. I will find all their picture from school and post them. They have so much fun and learn so much.

We missed the first week of school because we were in Oregon for Cal's cousin Sarah and best friend Jason's wedding. ( Cal hooked them up a couple years ago and it all worked out! They are an awesome couple!)
Before we left for Portland we had a party for Lolo with lots of friends and few family members and one crazy ward activity lady. It is a good thing that this post is not letting me go into detail about everything but this lady was a monster and if I had written about it when it just had happened the post would have been "R" rated because I was so mad. ANYWAY, we had lots of fun at the splash pad and Lauren had so much fun... obviously.When we finally did get to Portland we had a party for her there. We sang to her three times because people kept coming in while we were singing... she really thought we were crazy. We missed Daddy on her actually birthday but we did get a happy surprise and got him a few days earlier than anticipated. The girls had so much fun playing with their aunts and uncles and Grandparents. They did so many fun things... like the zoo, oaks park, train rides around the city and just all around fun with everyone. More sewing and I did it all by myself with the kind guidence of my awesome mother in law. We miss them all so much and cannot wait to go out again in March.

I left out so much! So many pictures and fun stories, but these are the highlights. I doubt anyone made it all the way through, but again if you did... I love you too. We are a happy bunch we have a fun time together! I promise that I will be better at keeping this up. I have so many fantastic things to write about still, but won't I will save it for later. Life is good. Hope yours is too.

there will be blogging

2009-12-17T09:23:00.002-07:00

I promise there will be a new blog (not counting this one) in the next 48 hours. Life just doesn't slow down long enough to blog about it! AHH... anyway I promise there will be tons of pictures and fun stories from the last EAK... two months...

Regan... gets all the fellas

2009-10-29T12:39:00.002-06:00

I went to pick up Regan today from school. Today like almost every other day, she is surrounded by five boys. She plays with them, bosses them around, flirts with them and basically is in total control! I talked to her teacher about it and she says that is just how it always is. The boys love her. She told me that they" follow her around she is so charismatic they flock to her..." she said "good luck getting to 16" I laughed a little and then it hit me again what I have always known... I am growing girls and sooner rather than later I will have beautiful teenage girls that I will have to keep the shot gun out for. sigh.

Adventures in Lolo Land

2009-10-22T11:30:00.004-06:00

My silly Lolo. Goodness it's good to be three. She has been so funny lately I just had to share a couple fun pictures from this last week.
Lolo thought it would be fun to try on my Halloween costume ( don't worry there is more to it then she is wearing.) She thought she looked so cute. She also got into my bronzer and well... the picture speaks for itself, she was a little orange for a few hours. She also likes to help with the dishes! Thank goodness she is there to do them, because goodness sakes my poor sad kitchen needs some work. I get a new one in the spring, I just have to keep telling myself that. While I was cleaning up today I found her back pack. I opened it up to find what I think is now a plan spoiled. inside she had shoes, socks, a jacket, a blanket and two dolls. I think she was planning to run away.

Being a mom is hard....

2009-09-24T14:59:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I think that people think that being a mom is not that hard. It comes so natural to most of us that we don't take time to think about what we are doing. Having Regan be my first child was delightful. She was an "easy baby" she always slept, ate, played etc exactly how I wanted her to and has been a very easy child to "manage." Lauren on the other hand was trouble from the start. She never slept, was fussy, crazy and all the things that Regan wasn't. There are different things that I love about my children, but sometimes I find myself treating them the same when they are SO VERY DIFFERENT.
I was observing them in school today ( there is a booth so they don't I was watching) I saw the way they interacted with other children as well as with themselves. I found myself crying, A LOT. When they are at home I do not take the time to watch them and really realize their personalities. I subconsciously expect the same things from them, even though they are different people and respond differently to things.
I was crying because I realized that all the things that I find annoying about Lauren is just how she is. I realized that I need to treat her differently then I do Regan, that she needs different things. I love my little Lolo and hate how ignorant I have been about her differences. Lauren always wants my attention and hangs on me all the time. I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel like I can never get anything done, but she needs me more than the dishes need to be done and more than pretty much anything else that needs to be done and that I need to be better about giving her that.

I aim to be a fantastic mom to my children, sometimes I just need to be smacked in the face once in a while and reminded how beautifully unique my daughters are.

July is over and I only have a billion pictures to show for it.

2009-07-30T21:52:00.008-06:00

We have been busy outside... More hiking... which I think I am finally getting Cally to enjoy and the girls have fun. Last time we went up We went with some friends and their three little girls. My girls love them and would spend all waking minutes with them if I let them.
So I endured what no other wife would endure... right Heidi!! The Podcast slumber party... I mean campout. We went up to perception point up by Causy and at first I thought oh this will be fun all the nerds and their families having fun up in the trees... well turns out that after we burnt or weenies and toasted the mallows... all the girls ditched out and took their kids home. So there I was stuck with ALL THE NERDS BY MYSELF. Emily stayed ( friend of the muppets... not tech. family) thank goodness so that I was not the only girl with a boat load of nerdy guys. Anyway they thought it would be fun to do their cast from up in the mountains and tell scary stories and review horror comics. Jason from the Ogden insider came and listened in because he is doing a story on the guys for his magazine. Although I find all of this really nerdy it was cool that they took an interest. It was fun even though they made me talk... eak I sound stupid... don't listen to this cast. We put the girls down in the tent by themselves thirty feet away from where we were and they were perfect! They had so much fun in the tent by themselves and didn't even try to come out... I may have told them there are bears around, i am not lying there are signs! Anyway all was well except Cally forgot the bag with our clothes in it. HA! I was so mad. PMSing anyway and then not super happy about sleeping in my clothes and having the girls not have extra stuff... oh well all of my complaining was for not and everything was fine.
After we left there we headed down to Heber City to go camping with my family. Did I mention I was still PMSing... I was not a joy to be around the entire time we were there. I feel bad for everyone. Everyone but me had fun swimming in Deer Creek Res. riding on the ATV's and eating yummy dutch oven cooking. That I slaved over bitterly... I am not kidding I was not pleasent AT ALL. Cally had fun trying to take down my brother in law Cory who out weighs Cal by a hundred pounds. Cal can usually hold his own, but he looked like a rag doll out in the water. The girls had fun playing in the water with their cousins, and we got to know our new brother in law better. I past out before the fun started I was such a party pooper. Oh we did make a pit stop for our clothes... just so you know. But I was mad anyhow. Once we finally got home I just passed out. I got the biggest migraine ever and thought I was going to die. I learned I need sleep a lot more now that I am old. I just cannot go a week staying up every night until 3... I am old I used to be able to just keep on going... not anymore.

We hit up Lagoon again... the girls love it. We took Grandma and Grandpa along with us and all had a good time.

We had the opportunity to babysit cute little ANDY. I took so many pictures of that kid you would have thought he was my own. But he is just so cute. Yeah so what I might be a little baby hungry but I got that door slammed in my face by my dear sweet husband and well i am living vicariously through my friends and there cute kiddies. My girls love Andy and really he is such a good baby... their next one will be a monster guarenteed!

I just thought these pictures were cute.... Regan makes the funniest faces all the time and while Lolo was trying to carry Andy all over the house Regan was hamming it up for the camera.

Work has been good. I love tennis have I mentioned that before? I really do miss playing all the time and miss the competition, this last session I had a few students ( these super cute teenage boys. A whole class of em) They were good and pushed me a little more then usual. I love teaching Rec. but I sersiously miss competing. This is my week off and I have been trying to get all the projects done that I wanted to do all summer... goodness sakes I have made some messes and spent way too much money EAK!! I am about 75% done with all of them (ha I know I should finish one before starting another... but hey that is just how I do it... ease up a little) I will post when they are done... I am super excited about it all.

We got the Wii active game. It is the best!! I love it and it kicks my butt, just like I need it to. I made Cal try it and I got the best ab workout laughing at him trying to do the exercises. For such an athletic guy he is so uncordinated sometimes. He cannot do squats for whatever reason... so he resorted to lifting his leg up so the lady in the game would stop yelling at him for being retarded.

We have had fun with all the fun things in Ogden... we love the Monday night movies, and are excited for the art walk next Friday. We went to the 24th of July parade last week (sorry no pictures... Shelley you should e-mail me the ones you took) Regan got a purple wildcat from one of the WSU cheerleaders and carries it everywhere with her now, it's the coolest. Ah to be young again and amused by the simple things. We had fun though with our friends and the girls just love to see all the people, they are just like me I love to people watch, it is interesting to hear the things they notice. But by far their favorite thing going on in good ol O-town right now are the horses. They brought them out last year and then again this year and the girls know them all and get so excited when they see their favorites. I love Ogden I don't care what anyone has to say about it. I love the old homes I love that I can hike, go to an antique shop, go to an art gallery listen to a concert, play in the park... all within walking distance of my home. Anyway I am obviously tired and rambling on. I will try not to wait 3 weeks again... So I couldn't find my camera til just now... anyway here are the rest of the camping pic

Blog Lazy

2009-07-10T19:21:00.006-06:00

So I have been super blog lazy, and well lazy in general really. i have been getting gentle nudges to update so here we go.
Nothing so super excited just regular summer time fun. Regan's sports class is done. I feel like I want to keep her in it all summer, but well... we are busy with other things. She is still doing piano, we had a couple week hiatus, but we are back on and going strong. We have had a lot of fun playing with our friends, having preschool with the kids in the neighbor hood along with me teaching tennis and give my girls and some friends girls tennis lessons ( really just playing). It has been a lot of fun. Lauren is obsessed with sun"scream" and wants to put it on about a hundred times a day and slathers it on me every time I leave the house as well. It's good for me, just a little bothersome. I have a mole that turned white! EAK... so I really should get it checked out as well as wear sun screen for my life outside.

For the 4th of July we went up to Pineview and had a blast with some fam and friends. The girls love the beach. Lauren loves the water and Regan likes to strut her stuff. Lauren really had to go to the bathroom... and we were no where near the bathroom so after a few minutes of crying she just peed on the beach. Don't worry I kicked sand over it :) She would not go in the port-o-potty type bathroom and cried for ever about going on the beach again. I don't understand that child. I am giving her permission to pee there and she won't , but she will pee on the bathroom floor like it is her job... anyway. We had fun building sand castles, seriously sucking up smashball and being pelting with a nerf football that weighed four pounds because it had absorbed so much water. We all came home and crashed before fireworks. So last year as many already have heard me complain. We were in Portland. I love Portland don't get me wrong, but we went up to Rocky Butte and looked over all of Portland and into Vancouver WA.... it was really pretty up there but trying to watch fireworks from that far away is like kissing standing ten feet apart. You can see them off in the distance, but there is no effect. Clearfield is just awesome. The fireworks rock and they always have and so I guess I got spoiled and nothing else is good enough. We went to North Ogden's founders day fireworks and they were bad, but we had good company, then we went to West Points fireworks and they were nice just only about five minutes long. Clearfields are just the best.... anyway enough ranting about how awesome the fireworks are. I also like going because I get to see so many people from growing up. We all sit in the same spots every year and it is just fun to see families grow and change from year to year. Our friends Luke and Amy came with us too with their SUPER cute girls and we all had fun enjoying the show and snuggling with each others kids. :) We were not very festive but Lauren did manage to steal a head band that made her look HOT! Cally and I had fun together like always... and Geez Cal could you ruin another picture? HA i know I look HOT. Oh and since I been getting a lot of questions about my hair here is a glimpse. Thanks to Liz and My sister Shauna for making it look a million times better. Ah there went 8 inches! That is like a year of growing it out.

We have been trying to hit the trails as well. Most of the time it has been pretty good but of course when we go with friends . They go up a lot and take their CUTE baby Andy. I think Andy might be the cutest little boy I have ever seen. And so sweet and quite! The best kind of babies. The girls complained a lot and we only made 3/4 of the way up before turning around. They did get to have their first experience with Beef Jerky... yummm. Our summer is going well and we are enjoy almost every minute of it. If only there was not work... we just had money and could go and do :( oh well. Life is good I cannot complain.
We did get new family photos done, but I will put them in a slide or something because I don't want to post all of them I like too many of them. But don't worry grandparents you will be getting copies soon.

More rain with small glimpses of sunshine.

2009-06-20T20:01:00.009-06:00

Yeah so WHAT I am talking about the weather AGAIN!! oh and my week as well. ( I can use the rain analogy all day alright?!) More rain which messed up more of my tennis lessons... No week off for me this month :(. We were stuck in the house a lot and I lost my temper a lot along with my voice. I could not speak really at all. Then it came and went for days and still is pretty weak. I don't know what caused it, but it sucks. I have developed a cough a long with it and man am I SICK of coughing for nothing and not being able to speak.

Some good news ( or sunshine as I will call it today) We got a piano. The girls love it and I don't suck too bad I can play all of Regan's practice books which really does not say much for my skill. But hey it's gotta get played. Regan and Lauren have been loving it. They Take turns playing it while the other dances... This lovely one is Lolo breakin' she has mad skills. Regan does a mix of cheer, hip hop and a little ballet... thank you SYTYCD ! Practice is still a little bit of a struggle but I need to make it fun or else she is just going to hate to play.

We went to Lagoon! For Cal's company party. IT WAS SOOOO FUN... the girls are finally getting tall enough to ride some of the cool rides. Lauren LOVED the new Dragon ride and if you look close in the picture you can see her laughing, she laughed the whole time on every ride except the tidal wave! HA ! She tightened up every time we went up and was crying I felt bad for a minute, then I thought is was funny because I knew she was safe ( I am not a bad mom for laughing at my childs fears) They were sweet together and had fun riding around together. It was mostly nice and only rained towards the end of our day. The lines were short and we got to go on all the rides with no wait. When we got in the car to go home Lauren was so tired she feel asleep with a cookie in hand and some in mouth... I laughed so hard.

We tried to stay busy during the week, in between tennis lesson and things we did find some time to play. The girls got to go to the treehouse with Grandma and Grandpa Balls and I got a few NEEDED hours to myself. Between the hair cut last week and the newest mess... see pictures below, I have been tried by my sweet little bugger faces. I was cutting carrots for them for lunch and did not notice them grab the bag ( ALSMOST FULL BAG) of powdered sugar. Well they thought they needed to eat it all. and that the floor needed to be sweetened as well. The vacuum kept blowing sugar dust into the air and covered the chairs with a light dusting of sugar. I guess there are worse things that the vacuum could be blowing out... but still. I made them clean up some and they had a bath that turned into frosting... GROSS. The rest of the day Lauren was so wired I would have thought she was on crack. What a long day for a mommy with no voice, try getting your kids to do what you say when nothing is coming out of your mouth, NOT EASY.
We also went and had a tennis lesson. Just the three of us. Regan kept getting mad because she wasn't perfect and Lauren just wanted to help pick up balls the whole time, well she wasn't looking where she was going and walked right into a pole... more like the bolt on the pole. You cannot see it very well in the picture, but she had the grooves on her nose from the bolt. Yeah it gave her a bloody nose and well, it looks like I beat my kids because I had so many bloody nose pictures on this blog, I promise it is not me.

We got outside every sunny chance we got. It really has been a LOOONG week. But the forecast looks sunny.

AND since tomorrow is Father's Day I should take a line or two to say what an amazing man I married. As I blog he is wrestling with the kiddos and sharing his comics... I know I gasped a little too. My girls are so lucky to have a man that loves them so much and is not afraid to show them every chance he gets. He is fun with the girls and teaches them things that girls should know. He lets them know how amazing they are and I know that because of Cally my girls will grow up with good self esteems and will be awesome people. Cally I love you. Thanks for being such a good daddy, husband, man.

Tears from heaven and a few more from me

2009-06-12T07:14:00.008-06:00

I am so sick of RAIN. My kids are nuts because of the weather... I have to cancel tennis class which means that I have to make it up on my week off, It's the middle of June and it is cold. I could go on and on about how grumpy this makes me but I will choose to ignore it and TRY to think positively. It IS watering my lawn which is really needing it right now. Look how positive I am being. :)
Regan started her sports class this week and she had so much fun. She is the only girl in the class (sad) and it is apparent. They were warming up with a little jog and she stopped in the middle to point out a rainbow. The boys didn't even flinch, but I know that if there were other little girls there they would have cared too. So that is a picture of Regan's sports class rainbow. I am glad we were able to have it with the weather we have been having I was not sure. Regan although she is the only girl in the class totally kicked the boys' butts. She is so good at everything she does it is almost unfair to the rest of the world ( OK listen to my mommy talk, but I love her) This was her first class so they did a little overview of all the sports just to see how they were doing with basic motor skills. This class is so fun. I have taught it several times over the years and I am so glad I am not doing it anymore. It is much more fun to watch your child participate than it is to teach it. And Logan does a mu ch better job than I ever did.
Because I have taught this class and this is my child and because I am just a little crazy it was hard for me not to over correct her. Cal I think was feeling a little bad because I was helping her with everything and he was the only dad sitting on the side, so I let him help her and it took all that I had not to tell him he was doing it wrong. I am crazy. I just wanted her to use proper form... that's all. And when she did she rocked it !! :) We are looking forward to many more fun classes.
We are making our child into one of those crazy kids that takes a million lessons... but I am just so excited that she is old enough to do them that I cannot stop signing her up for things. She had piano lessons this week and was acting like a four year old and well... it's going to happen. We are very excited though because we are getting a piano today! Our friends are sadly moving :( and are getting ride of everything and we are getting to buy theirs. I am excited now Regan HAS to play.

Thursday... RAIN RAIN RAIN ruined my day! Canceled my tennis lessons and pretty much made the rest of my day crappy. Since I was not at tennis I was home which normally would be a good thing... well Lauren thought it would be fun to mommy's hair, which normally I don't mind too much, except this time she had gotten scissors out of the drawer and I did not know that. As you can see from the picture she took four inches off. It could have been a lot worse. She took off from the middle and thank heavens it wasn't closer to my head or else I would to have had a bob.
I only cried a little and my good friend Liz, did an emergency cut and it looks fabulous. I needed a hair cut I just didn't want to take that much off. If she wasn't so dang cute I would have given her back a long time ago. She did get a stern talking to. She didn't care.. my bad for doing it hours after the fact. She was just expressing her creativity right? I saved the hair... so she can see the first hair cut she ever gave mommy.

I am hoping for a dry weekend but I think that my hopes will be destroyed...

Busy Busy, having fun is HARD work.

2009-06-08T07:36:00.002-06:00

We have had a great week. Lots of fun things and hardly anytime to think... but in a good way. We took our first two hikes of the summer. This year was so EASY compared to last year. The girls had fun no crying about how hard it was, whining about how hot it was or anything negative at all. Cal had fun teasing them about snakes, racing up the mountain, and giving piggy back rides. It felt good to get out of the house and play. The weather was great and the trails were virtually empty, which is nice because if any of you have ever been up in the Ogden trails... they are always busy. Regan thought that she needed a bow in here hair the first time we went, now she thinks that is her hiking bow and has to wear it. I think it is cute in a funny way. She kept checking if it was still there, she is so prissy.

We attempted on the second hike to make it to waterfall canyon... well that was after we had been hiking for over forty five minutes on another trail.... well after a half hour of walking towards the waterfall the girls wanted to be done... so we headed back. I think this week we will attempt it again, but start on that trail.

That was a fun start to our week. Wednesday Regan started PIANO lessons. She had been talking about it for about two weeks and was so happy to finally get to go ( word of advice do not tell your four year old about things until the day before or you will get bugged everyday until it happens) I was glad that she was so excited, I think she did a good job. It is hard to tell :) I had to leave because when I am around Regan acts silly, but alone she does better. She has been practicing all week and we are trying to get it to stick. Having a four year old practice is harder than I thought. Steph ( her teacher) got some great workbooks for her and they are fun to use. She also made her a super cute notebook that she wants to carry with her everywhere. We had a hard time a church yesterday so during sacrament meeting we went and played the piano in the primary room. Regan remembered where to put her hands and we reviewed again all the things she had learned... after a couple minutes she just started plunking around so... I hope this is not the trend. She hates doing things for me or around me. I understand I was the same way with my mom, but it is really annoying Sorry MOM!! I know I was a beast and now I know how hurt you can feel when your child doesn't want you there or won't do anything in your presence. Regan is really excited for this week and so am I, I love watching my children learn and grow. I cannot wait until she is really playing and making beautiful music in our home.

This week we had the first annual nerdfest... I mean podcast BBQ. Oh I love my husband but he is such a nerd and so are all of his nerdy podcast buddies... (Heidi I know you are reading this and just so you know Regan asked about Mark for like three days and really I think it can all be attributed to his muppetness... she really likes him) anyway... it was fun to hang out with the wives of all the nerds, I mean guys, wow that word just keeps slipping out. And they actually kept the cast short this week... hallelujah. For any of you that don't know what I am talking about refer to the side panal where it says Cal's pet project. They do an online radio show about comics every week and really Cally has never been so happy. It is nice for him to finally have an outlet to get out his love for all things nerdy. Because really for the last six years I have just been ignooring him and I think it feels nice for him to have someone care about what he is talking about. He loves the TPB guys so much it is almost sad.
We also had a blast at a primary activity... no picture... I know, but I was helping run the show and well, just kind of forgot. We had a little carnival ( or at least that is what we called it ) and a pool and water slide! The kids had a blast and my girls although cold and shivery had a fun time. Later that night we got to go to a mission reunion. Only two hours late... so we missed out on the really cool people, oh wait we are the cool people. Anyway it was nice to see Cal's mission buddies and catch up, plus we like going to his misssion pres. house because he has a couple GA's that live in his neighborhood and we always hope to spot them... still not yet but we have driven by their houses... that is not stalkery just curiousity.
We had some great walks with the girls from the ward, not to mention the rockin' pool party.. .I am really crappy this week with pictures. We have had a ton of fun.

This week will not be quite the same as I am starting tennis tomorrow. I know working two days a week is so hard.... :P well it is and it takes a chunk out of fun family time and other things we get to do. Regan starts her sports class tonight and I hope the weather gets better so she can have it.

I won't pick my nose never ever again.

2009-06-03T19:30:00.002-06:00

We Shall see if she means it! Regan was diggin' a little today and sprung a leak!! I big leak. She bled for about twenty minutes. It pretty much scared her to death. I am hoping that her promise of never ever again will be followed through. This picture was too funny not to post. Feel free to show your kids and freak them out and show them that they will bleed A LOT if they keep picking their nose. HA!

Yeah we made it.

2009-06-02T16:38:00.005-06:00

We finally made it home Early in the morning on Friday. It was a looong drive and guess who got a flippin' ticket!!??? Yeah me that is right, I always get tickets when I do long drives. I have Nevada and their stupid speed limits... hello we are in the desert with no one for miles I think I should be able to go ten over! It's stupid.

We did have tons of fun, don't let my complaining fool you. It just wasn't how I wanted it and sometimes I can be a baby when I don't get what I want. While we were waiting for then darn car to be fixed we decided to try and make the best of our time there. We didn't want to go too far so we looked up what there was to do in Folsom... other then the famous prison, there were actually some fun things near by.

We decided on our first day without car to go swimming. It was creeping up to nearly 100 degrees and water seemed perfect. Oh yeah we forgot that we had packed the car up before we dumped it at the dealership. Well at least all the girls stuff. So swimming suits were about a half hour away. We opted to go to the outlet mall to get them new swimsuits instead of driving an hour out of our way. I thought I would be nice and let the girls pick out their own. BAD IDEA!! Regan decided she wanted a two piece. I have yet to buy her one because I just don't want to start that fight so early. But she brought a good point that mommy got one for her cruise. So instead of being a hypocrite I choose the let my daughter win route. Well it was not the worst two piece I could have gotten it was a little longer top and an attached skirt so... not that bad. Well when Regan gets into she transforms into a DIVA. I told her to knock off the attitude or the suit is going back. She stopped quickly! Lauren picked out a rainbow suit with a flower ( very San Fran) They had a blast swimming with Daddy. Playing and laughing. Regan is such a priss and didn't want to swim as much, she wanted to strut around the pool.

The next day without our car... we went to a fish hatchery!! We walked down this really pretty trail, we came across some roosters, runners, butterflies, dogs, and bikers... it was a busy trail. We got to the ranger station and found some wonderfully informative things about salmon and trout! ( it might sound boring but it was pretty rad and FREE!) Did I mention it was a hundred degrees and seriously the station felt so good with the air conditioning I wanted to look at everything inside. After we cooled off we headed out to the trenches... unfortunately it is not salmon season, but there were millions
( OK maybe thousands) of rainbow trout. They started really small and got bigger as we went through the trenches. The girls liked looking at all the fish up around and swim over each other.

After being out in the blazing sun we headed to this old gold mining town! It was so awesome! But when the thermostat in the car says 102 we decided not to take the tour and to get Sasparillas instead. After that we went to a fun park in the middle of this old mining town and saw some really nonathletic people trying to play basketball. It was funny to watch as the girls played I laughed at the 2 shots that were made in the hour and a half I watched... wow... really that is all I can say. I thought Cally was bad at basketball. This fun town we were in was nestled right in the mountains and had the coolest old houses. The downtown part was the best. It had all of these great shops, bakeries, antique stores... I could have spent days just walking the main street and drooling in the shops.

More swimming in sued and a lot of Wii. We finally got a call Thursdays after noon that our car was done and that we could go home. We were bummed that it was so late and that we didn't have time to stop in Tahoe... maybe next time. All in all it was a fun time. Minus a few little headaches. We are glad to be home, but we do miss Grandpa Jerry.

Still in California

2009-05-27T08:59:00.012-06:00

So I was supposed to be waking up in my bed this morning, but that didn't happen. It's ok I don't mind not being home, but Cal is missing work and well I didn't stop our mail because I didnt think I would be missing this much of it. So now when I get home I will have it spilling out of my mailbox... no bueno.

Anyway... we have been doing lots of fun things so here is more of our trip. Cal and the girls had never been to San Fransisco and we thought it would be fun to go. We came in on the bay bridge and the girls thought it was so cool... we crossed the town to go to the Golden Gate Brigde for our first stop. Regan was not having it. All she kept saying was, "I don't want to go on the gold brigde I don't want to go on the gold brigde" She was mortified. It took a while to calm her down. We parked at Vista point and started to walk across, she was not happy. Lauren on the other hand was loving every minute of it. She was looking over the side, looking down the holes in the sidewalk and giggling the whole time. It's funny how different they are. Regan finally calmed down once we got to the first big pillar. ( Ya know something to hold on to) It didn't help that it was cold windy and foggy ( don't forget we are in San Fransisco) We only walked about a third of it until Lolo was too cold to go on. We did see some funny things on the bridge. Ok maybe they are not funny, but I think that the jump hotline and phone are funny. There is always hope please call... don't jump... are you serious? I think it's comical.

After we left the bridge we went to Ghirardelli square. I forgot how crazy the hill were in San Fran until I was pushing a double stroller... ugh! Well even though I am not a real big fan of chocolate I cannot lie... this stuff is good. It's funny because in this little shopping center there are five different chocolate shops... they had fun little shops that didn't have chocolate, but pretty much if you want chocolate then this is your place.

Every where we went we saw cool things and fun people. The girls loved all the people on the streets selling jewlery and artwork They had fun watching the cable cars zip up the hills.. This guy here was an interesting guy. He kept yelling at us about how adorable our kids were... finally we went to talk to him. He was covered in crystals from head to toe, the picture does not do his bling justice. He proceeded to tell us how he could tell we did not beat our children because of their dispostion. WEIRD for sure. But they are great kids and well their parents aren't too shabby either.

We headed down to fisherman's warf. We had lunch at Rainforest Cafe. We had never been there, and were surprised how fun it was. We got to sit by a big fish tank with some crazy fish that wouldn't stop staring at us. The girls got cool lightning cups which was basically a seizure in drink form. The girls loved the animals... ok I lied whenever there was a storm and the elephants start going crazy the girls freaked out a little. :) it was cute.

On the piers we saw big ships, Alcatraz out in the bay, fast boats, crazy performers, and mind blowing amounts of stinky people. We ran into an old museum with old (still working) arcade games. Hundred year old games all the way up to games like pong. It was really cool to see all these different games that people used to play back then they only cost a penny nothing like hour dollar games now. We saw old submarines, missiles, boats and anything and everything you could think of that goes along with boats.We headed down to pier 39 where the sea lions hang out.. man do they smell bad! Those big lazy beast have taken over the whole pier. Regan freaked out when she say them and was running around the pier barking and clapping. She did is so much I thought about putting a hat down and getting some tips. If I can figure out how to put videos on here I will put the video of her doing it.

After hours and hours of hiking around San Fran we decided to head home, while we are in the car we played one of our most favorite games... NAME THAT BAND. Having satellite radio makes it easy and fun because you have more channels and it tells you the artist right on the screen ( notice my hand) I rock at this game and Cal gets better every time. I took about 600 pictures on this trip so sorry I have a ton... ugh. More to come later... I really can only do some much at a time.

We think we might just stay here.... who needs Utah right?

Our California Adventure

2009-05-26T09:33:00.007-06:00

So we decided to go out to California for the long weekend. We were supposed to leave today to go home, but our car decided that it didn't want to work properly so Cal is at the dealership attemping to get it fixed. So since I am packed up and ready to go with nothing to do, I thought I would update on here and show everyone what fun we had on our trip( that will never end whahahahah)

We got here on Friday and were tired from the long drive. Let me tell you that Nevada was not the most interesting drive I have ever taken, but it sure beats driving through Idaho... if we didn't love and miss everything in Oregon we probably would never go to Idaho. We are staying in Folsom right out side of Sacramento, it's nice and pretty the weather has been nice and there are lots of trees! Its funny because there is a mix of evergreen trees and palm trees the weather is just in the middle.
Our first full day here we went to FAIRYTALE TOWN and the Sacramento ZOO!!

Fairytale town was so much fun, the whole place is a giant park full of fairytaled themed toys. The girls had a blast. Lolo hated the old lady who lived in a shoe slide! She caused a traffice jam and we had to pull her down.

We took a trip down the rabbit hole and walked the crooked mile. Watered flowers in the alphabet garden ( there was a plant that started with every letter of the alphabet) Climbed the beanstalk, played in the Sherwood forest and tons of other really fun things. It was a really fun park.After a couple of hours at fairytale town we headed over to the zoo.

This zoo was fun but I still love Portland and Hogal zoos best. They did have some animals that I had never seen before. This guy with the cool horns is called a Bongo. We saw monkeys fighting they were really loud and drew a BIG crowd.

Lauren likes to pull her hair out of its bands and have a wild afro all the time, she looks like she belongs in the Zoo.

That was a long, but fun day out playing. The next day we decided to chill a little bit after doing so much the day before. We went to the park and played. I really think that was the first time they were in a playground with sand... they made a MESS! We love goofying around with grandpa and Daddy probably had more fun at the park then the girls did.

After that I took a little time alone for myself and hit the outlet mall. I was deeply disapointed in the variety of kids clothes... maybe I shop too much but I just was not that impressed by anything. Don't let me fool you I did bring home a few bags, it's probably better that only did a little... money doesnt grow on trees it gets sucked up by CARS!!

Ok this is all I can do right now... stayed tooned maybe tomorrow if we get home tomorrow I will put up the other fun adentures we had. Hopefully today will have nothing to note.... cross your fingers.... Coming soon... San Fransisco!!

Catching up on the last week.

2009-05-22T09:49:00.006-06:00

We love May! No school, I am not doing tennis yet, the weather is not too hot not too cold, birds are chirping, life is good. I am really bad at keeping up to date so I am catching up on things before we leave on vacation.
Things we did this week:
*Jumped on the trampoline A LOT

I love TRAMPOLINE Hair!!
*Lauren chased the neighbors dog up and down the fence... more like she was being chased and she didn't like the he followed her every move.
* We found a bird's nest under the girls window ( I don't mind them and the girls get to wake up to the birds chirping out their window.)

* We made SILLY faces:
We have been busy having way too much fun... and while all this was going on I lost 4 and 1/2 pounds!! If you want to read more I have been keeping track of what I have been doing. If you look to were my blog list is and click on My Experiment, you can read all about it. Well we are off to California!

My running machines

2009-05-12T09:52:00.003-06:00

So I have been really bad since I have gotten back from our trip... I think I have used the treadmill maybe five times in the last five weeks... ugh! I am going to really do it now that I have now excuse, I am going to use the dang thing and finally lose the pesky few (15) pounds of baby weight I am STILL carrying around. ( Lauren will be 3 in August how sad is that) I was running, and I mean hard core sweating and panting the whole bit and the girls were cheering me on. When I FELL off the treadmill. They hopped on. Cal has always been a runner and a pretty dang good one at that. And their uncle Dain does Triathlons... so I think it just might be in the blood. But it sure is not

coming from me. Lauren came down in her work out gear and walked at a fast pace of 1.5 mph not bad not bad. Regan came on with swimsuit on ( I see a future triathlete) She can run so fast you would not believe it. I only let her run at a 3 mph(not holding the bar), but she has gotten it up to 7 mph ( holding to the bar) They are crazy. After a few minutes they tend to get bored and the tredmill turns into a slide, it is cute the jump on and slide all the way into the wall and then do it all over again. I am promising myself that I will do it this time and not whimp out. Wish me luck.

SOME pictures from our fun cruise. These are a little late but who cares, We had the best time

2009-05-09T08:39:00.002-06:00

Mmm... Chocolate cake... oh wait I don't like chocolate... but my girls do

2009-05-07T10:40:00.004-06:00

My two little monkeys love to help me in the kitchen. We decided to make devils food cake. All they want to do is lick the batter. I think if I didn't even make the cake they would be happy just licking the bowl. I love my little girls.

I will get this eventually.

2009-05-07T07:47:00.003-06:00

So... here I go. I think I might actually do this. Blogging is a lot more intensive then I thought I think I need a tutorial or something... if someone wants to help me figure this all out that would be great. I have all summer off so I feel like I really need to do this. I am such a bad mom. I am so bad at writing things down. So I am going to be dedicated to actually using the blog and remembering all the fun and silly things my children do. So please ignore my older posts as I really didn't know what I was doing and now... maybe I will figure it out.

I made the mistake of leaving a can of grape juice on the counter to thaw yesterday. We went outside and played and I had forgotten all about it. We came in the house and within two minutes Lolo comes to me with big purple hands and says " I'm juicy" I thought I was going to die. Luckily she only got it on the floor, counter, and hands. There was a little trail of purple dots across the tile and I got to her before she got to the carpet.

AHHHH.... Saturdays!

2008-04-26T19:59:00.003-06:00

So we had the pleasure to attend TWO birthday parties today. Wow, you wouldn't think but it really takes it out of you. My little neice Bailey just turned one and it was really fun to see her get so excited about all of the people who came to show their love. My sister decided to have this party at a park, which normally at the end of April would be a fantastic idea. Not this year! (what is up with this weather?) IT WAS FREEZING!!! The wind was blowing everything over and I had to walk around with a blanket on. The girls did not mind they ran around and had a super fun time even with rosey cheaks and runny noeses. We had to leave that party early to hit the next stop on the party train. Our friends little girl Hailey just turned 2! We were invited to go to their party which was at the Kangaroo Zoo! Haven't heard of it? Neither had I! Where the heck is it? I still don't know. Ok actually it is in North Salt Lake. (the city, not just the northern part of Salt Lake, and don't confuse them or the people that work there will rip your head off... speaking from a little experience.) So anyway after an hour of trying to find the dang place, we finally got there. It is an inflatable wonderland. They have all of these fun and HUGE inflatable toys. We started with the little ones and well... that did not last too long. Regan saw the BIG slide and wanted it. So this slide was huge and super hard for my old fat butt to climb and then had like an 80 degree drop which I can honestly saw made me a little quisey at first. Regan loved it! Well she pretty much just did that same slide over and over and over again. I could barely pull her away for cake. Lauren on the other hand has been very vocal about what she doesn't like these days... we went down a medium sized slide and she said very firmly " I don't like that!" So yeah mommy and Lolo got to go on the awsome baby slides, it's cool, really I didn't like the big ones. When time to go came rolling along, I physically had to drag them out of their kicking and screaming. So I guess I would say it was a hit. Highly suggest it! But after a long day I am pooped and ready for bed, but oh wait... I have homework. :(

School, swimming, and the bathroom sink.

2008-04-23T16:16:00.003-06:00

Is there anything in the world that is as stressful as finals? I do not know why but when I am confronted with stress, I kinda shut down. I find myself doing anything but studying. Hense... the blogging. I am glad that school is going to be over for a week before summer school starts...ah... I must be crazy. I have been having fun outside of school though. Regan is finishing her swimmig lesson today; that has been so much fun to watch. I used to think that Regan was the type that was a leader and kind of a trouble maker, but really she is passive and sits and waits her turn and lets all the other kids be crazy. Lauren on the other hand who I thought was my quite and sweet child has proven to be a lot less so. She is a beast. Do not let her near your toys or you won't be seeing them in one peice. She has a lot of spunk and gets into trouble where ever she can. Her favorite things is to go into the bathroom and turn on the sink... she flooded it last week and now we can barely open the drawers in the vanity. Just pray for warm weather so that we can go outside and I can save my house from the kids.

2008-02-12T16:24:00.001-07:00

So... a blog huh? I never thought I would be a blogger really because I thought no one really cared what I was doing. I really am doing this because it means that I avoiding doing things that I really should be doing. I realized though that I am nosey and I like to know what other people are doing and really I think you are nosey too. So I went to Old Navy today and got all thise cute stuff for the girls on sale!! See I told you that you wouldn't care....